| Tuesday, June 19, 2007 |
| Songs in the Key of X, Part 2 (possible TMI) [LJ Repost] |
*part of a series of posts I am cross-posting. I'm finally within the MySpace timeline, which means these posts will be dated the actual date/time they were originally posted*
Ummm, part two of the series, if you missed part 1 it's here: http://ish-tar.livejournal.com/57280.html Eric Z. - Detachable Penis by King Missile. Eric Z. I swear to this day cannot figure out why I broke up with him. The shortest version I can give is this, it all went downhill the day of the Sextacy Ball in Boston (1995?) and Eric and I were dating and so he was supposed to go with me. I definately didn't want to be late because it was an awesome lineup consisting of My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, God Lives Underwater and the Lords of Acid. I offered to pick him up at work, to which he responded (yes belive it enough he ACTUALLY said this) "well I don't know, how slutty are you dressed?" (funny it was never a problem before). So instead he said he'd meet me over there. Well I'm there and there's a long wait and in the meantime cusraque is talking to me keeping me company, and finally it's time to go in but Eric isn't there yet. I was torn between waiting outside for him and watching the show, but Cusraque (who was a club promoter at the time) pulled some strings with a bouncer or something to keep an eye out for him and direct him to were we where going to be. I was glad I didn't wait, because it took him until about halfway through the second band before he finally got there. Apparently the van (corporate plates) he was driving got a boot put on it way over in the south end/seaport, to which I wondered what the heck he was doing over there, and apparently he told his boss he'd pick something up over at some warehouse since he was heading to the city anyways. So let me get this straight, not only did you call me a slut, but you come late to a concert I expressly told you I did not want to be late for because you told someone else you would do something first after promising me you'd be there on time? Yeah well if that wasn't a big F U then I dunno what is. So yeah long story short, to be a smartass when I broke up with him Eric had the audacity to give me a vibrator as a present and said "you'll be needing this now". I didn't as I was already fooling around with someone else (not dating though, don't ever say we were dating it was once a touchy subject) of whom I bet you can figure out if you read the story again. Besides I hate things that vibrate, it feels like bugs crawling on you. So yeah for the least tasteless present of my life, Eric Z. I award you this song...
I woke up this morning with a bad hangoverAnd my penis was missing again.This happens all the time.It's detachable.
[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]
This comes in handy a lot of the time.I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,and the next morning I can't for the life of meremember what I did with it.First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.So I called up the place where the party was,they hadn't seen it either.I asked them to check the medicine cabinet'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimesBut not this time.So I told them if it pops up to let me know.I called a few people who were at the party,but they were no help either.I was starting to get desperate.I really don't like being without my penis for too long.It makes me feel like less of a man,and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.After a few hours of searching the house,and calling everyone I could think of,I was starting to get very depressed,so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,I saw my penis lying on a blanketnext to a broken toaster oven.Some guy was selling it.I had to buy it off him.He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.I took it home, washed it off,and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,but I don't know.Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,I like having a detachable penis.
[background voices continue to sing "detachable penis" fora while, then out]
Tony W. - Don't You Want Me? by The Human League. Tony was sick with Cancer when I dated him, but he "seemed" like a nice guy who I got along with so I dated him, and I was never superficial about it even when he was loosing his hair to chemo and sometimes was too sick and had to break our dates, which were almost always at his house because I think the doctors told him not to go out of the house too often. Tony and I had worked together at DeMoulas when we met, though I think he did end up taking a break from there while he was ill. I remember spending the money on the Led Zeppelin boxed set for him for Christmas, which at that time (H.S.) was a lot of money for me, but I did it because I thought he was worth it and he really liked Led Zeppelin. Fast forward to spring, he gets a clean bill of health and can go back to work. I swear not even a week went by and he breaks up with me to go out with a girl at DeMoulas who I though was my friend (Leigh) and what's worse they pretty much spend the entire summer until I leave for college making my life miserable (they were both my supervisors) by making sure I was never assigned baggers, my draw was counted last so I was always out of work late, and even worse I was assigned the Lottery/Bottle Return counter, which was considered an upgrade from regular cashier, and Leigh had to cover me for an hour break. By the time the work day was over I was being brought upstairs to talk to the manager because $1000 in scratch cards was missing from my draw. I should mention it was not policy to change out the drawers for someone's break, as long as it was a "supervisor" covering you, DeMoulas had this crap policy that if someone was responsible enough to make supervisor there was no way in hell they would be stealing money (even if they were), so yeah I got the blame for it even though I know Leigh set me up bigtime. Fortunately I didn't get fired as it was a first offence, but I got repremanded and was not allowed to work the Lottery counter ever again, and had to endure the rest of the summer with Leigh and Tony bullying me. Tony gets "Don't You Want Me" even though it is better lyrics than he deserves because of the whole premise where one half of the couple leaves the other after after he made her life better (only in this case the role was reversed, and I felt like after I treated him so nicely when no one else gave a shit about if he lived or died he just threw me away like a fucking dickhead).
You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar When I met you I picked you out, I shook you up And turned you around Turned you into someone new Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet Success has been so easy for you But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now And I can put you back down too. Don't. Don't you want me? You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me Don't. Don't you want me? You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me It's much too late to find When you think you've changed your mind You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me? Oh! Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me? Oh! I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar That much is true But even then I knew I'd find a much better place Either with or without you The five years we have had have been such good at times I still love you But now I think it's time I lived my life on my own I guess it's just what I must do Don't. Don't you want me? You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me Don't. Don't you want me? You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me It's much too late find When you think you've changed your mind You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me? Oh! Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me? Oh! (REPEAT x3) Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me? Oh! Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me? Oh!
Bill P. - Squirrels in Makeup by Eddie Izzard. OK, so it's not a song, it's a comedy skit and it's funnier if you actually hear Eddie doing it, but Bill was sad because I didn't do one of these for him, even though I don't know why he would want me to do one of these for him since we've never dated and at least 75% of these are really mean, but I'm doing one because he's my friend and hopefully he'll appreciate this, and not mind that I give you all this background info on him. When I first met Bill, he was an aspiring transvestite. Eddie Izzard, who does this scetch is/was also a transvestite. Eddie kind of describes the difference between transvestites and drag queens, which not everyone distinguishes between, but I think it's important, that Drag Queens are gay men and Transvestites are straight men, even though they both wear womens clothing and makeup and the whole bit. I think a further difference that Eddie does forget to clarify is that drag queens also tend to be more "glam" than transvestites. While it is not always as clear cut as that, Eddie calls himself an "exectutive transvestite" or a "male tomboy" which I think both are excellent terms for the style that Eddie had when he was dressing more "female" which is to say when he was in "bloke" mode (mens clothes) he wore suits and manly stuff but often in garish colors like red or lime green, and when he was in "femme" mode he wore the skirts and the heels and the makeup but they were usally quite classy and never slutty. Bill when he was an aspiring transvestite was a bit depressed, because he would never look "female". I often tried to see if he could find a happy medium (like Eddie did, because Eddie will never look "female" either no matter how hard he tries) . I don't really know if he ever understood what I meant, and I think he got over the whole thing about being down on himself, but for some reason even though that was years ago, I still think about that series of conversations whenever I hear this skit.
Yes, so I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. Yes. I say that, and people go, "Oh, yeah, yeah!" No, I was, I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. 'Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! 'Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is. So it's "running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there." That's where it is! I used to keep my makeup in a squirrel hole, up the tree. The squirrel would keep makeup on one side, and he'd keep nuts on the other side. And sometimes I'd get up that tree, and that squirrel would be covered in makeup! ( mimes squirrel putting on makeup ) "La la, la la… Oh! ( mimes squirrel eating ) What?! Fuck off!" He seemed to say. And squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, and occasionally, they stop and go ( gasps ), as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit." Yeah. So that's very much like the army-- the running, jumping, climbing trees is, not the squirrel bit-- the trees bit. And I was! I loved the army stuff, which is the running, jumping, standing still, "Found you," ah-ah, flag, "Look," hat, you know. Bang! I liked all that stuff, the gun thing… I liked blowing up milk bottles. You know, kill the milk bottles. Boom! Explode milk bottles. Yes. It seems fun - there's this thing of power in you hands. There's all this National Rifle Association and everyone in America is - I mean, 13 year olds keep going out and they get hold of weapons from their grandfather's arsenal! "I'll borrow the Howitzer, the M16 machine gun, the Uzi…" What the fuck's the grandfather doing?! This kid down in Arkansas just helped himself to a ton of military weapons, and went and blew away his school! And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do," but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that… ( imitates gunfire noises ) I think they should just try that, you know. But yeah, shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay pigeons, they're fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through ( fly-by noises ) They do nothing, they don't even eat flies! You know? Spiders eat flies, so they're all right, keep them, you know? Flies don't eat fuckall, so kill 'em! And clay pigeons - everyone shoots them in the air. Wait 'til they land! Then go up to the clay pigeon... ( shoots ) Much easier. Yeah. So! I didn't join the army, as you might have noticed... Yeah, 'cause there's not much makeup in the army, is there? No? They only have that night-time look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? And they look a mess! So you can't join, even though the American armed forces have a distinct policy of "don't ask, don't tell" towards the alternative sexualities. If you're a bloke wearing a lot of makeup, you know… I don't think they need to ask, really! And so you can't join, they go, "No, no, you can't. It's the wrong shade of lipstick for the Army, I'm afraid..." And they're missing a huge opportunity here, 'cause we all know one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise, and so what could be more surprising than the 1st Battalion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne wing! The airborne wing parachuting into dangerous areas with fantastic makeup! And a fantastic gun! And the opposing forces going, "Fucking 'ell, look at these guys! Look at that! They've got guns. They've got guns! Jesus, they've got guns!" Ah, bugger. I was so surprised! Were you surprised? I was surprised. Anyway, so yes, sooo… Also, if you're a transvestite, you get lumped into that weirdo grouping, you know? When I was in New York, there was a guy in the Bronx who was living in a cave… like you do, and he was coming out and shooting at geese and… ( chuckles ) a lot of weird things going on with this guy; and the police picked him up and they found a collection of women's shoes, and they thought, "Maybe he's a transvestite." And if he is, he's a fucking weirdo transvestite! I'm much more in the executive transvestite area. Travel the world, yes, it's much more executive. Like J. Edgar Hoover, what a fuckhead he was! They found out when he died that he was a transvestite, and they go, "Well, that explains his weird behavior!" Yeah, fucking weirdo transvestite! ( pointing to himself )Executive transvestite. It's a lot wider community, more wide than you'd think... |
posted by IshtarAndromeda @ 12:26 PM  |
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Name: IshtarAndromeda
Home: Medford, Massachusetts, United States
About Me: I dabble in many things. I'm not really a professional anything, though I try to be all of the following: music critic, dream intrepreter, DJ/podcaster, Astrologist, crafter (jewelry, clothing & acessories, as well as other miscellany), television theorist, video gamer, and the list is always evolving and changing.
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