Yes I am posting to the future. I was going to actually wait until Friday to write this, but since I'll probably lose my train of thought before then I figured I'd start now. I'll add to this over the next two days if I think of things that I've missed...
So, things are better here, at least in outward appearance. Steve and I have been talking a lot more, and that has been helpful, but somehow I am still uneasy in many ways. I'm sure a lot of it is to be expected, it's difficult to be lied to for the better part of three years and then just go back about your business as if everything is hunky dory.
Part of me wants to believe that he means what he says, and that he is truly sorry for what he did. I really DO want to believe that. I'm a very easy-going person who doesn't normally stay mad very long about much of anything, and I also happen to be the kind of person who pretty much falls in love with everyone I meet. As I may have mentioned before, this isn't necessarily a romantic love, but just the kind of general love and compassion you have for people that bring some sort of joy and happiness into your life even if only for a brief amount of time. I think this is part of the reason why I've been having all the weird dreams with faces from my past recently. It's my way of reminding myself that these people once (and still do even when I haven't seen them for a while) meant something to me. In fact inspired by these feelings have gotten in touch with two people in the past two weeks whom I haven't seen in ages (one about 20 years and the other about 16).
But mentioning that is important for me in explaining how difficult it would be for me to just cut Steve out of my life, even though I sometimes strongly feel that I may still be taken advantage of. There are many things which we don't see eye to eye on, at all. But there are also some things which I do really enjoy about him as well, and I try to make that the focus so that the healing process can take place, but it just seems to be two steps forward and two steps back, no matter what I do.
One thing that really makes me strongly question our relationship is the fact that Steve doesn't inspire me. In fact most of the time he has the opposite effect on me. I can't exactly explain why, I mean before we were discussing things I could give you a million reasons why, but now those reasons no longer seem valid. All I know is that sometimes when I talk to certain people I feel like I can conquer the world, like I can do anything and can't wait to get out there and try. But something about him just fills me with this self-defeatist attitude; like that I can't do anything, or want to go anywhere. And I can't figure out if it's just from having spent the last 7 years of my life this way, and now that he isn't doing it anymore I'm just so used to it I can't break out of it. Or if he's still doing it and I'm just not seeing it anymore. And yeah I know at the same time I should be able to inspire myself and not depend on anyone else to do it for me, and a lot of the time I do, until he walks in the door and then all my motivation feels sucked out of me.
And you know maybe not all of that is even Steve's fault. I spent the better part of two years moping around my condo in ..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />Boston after Gates and I broke up. I lost contact with a lot of people I cared about very dearly that were friends of his, and it's not really like we became non-friends, it's just you know you lose touch because you don't want to go to say a party where that person might show up, because you know it's just going to bring you heartache or whatever, so you just see them less and less and grow apart. But even after that I made an effort to walk the parks of Commonwealth Avenue and also the Public Gardens at least once a day, even if it was all alone by myself and sometimes at night (one of my weird voyeuristic habits is looking into the windows of the old brownstones and seeing how people decorate their houses). And I started making the 30-45 minute drive to hang out with Terri and we ended up having a lot of our best times ever during that period, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself. So I know it can be done.
And of course there's that part of me that feels like it's somehow my fault or something I did. And of course that's got to be at least partially true, because I strongly believe in relationships that it takes both people to make it either work or fail. But I find myself falling into a trap of sorts, where I'm behaving a certain way, and I question if I'm behaving that way simply because it's the way in which I am behaving or if it is somehow influenced because it's the way I think I should act. For example am I talking more with Steve because I really want to be talking more to Steve or is it because its what I think I SHOULD do, or that it's what he wants, and if by doing it am somehow making myself the villain? Am I admitting somehow that it's my fault that he cheated on me simply because I wasn't giving him the attention he wanted... and that somehow by paying attention to him now I am trying to circumvent a situation in which he would do it again? And why can't I just believe that if he says he's sorry he means that he is, and why do I always have to think there's an ulterior motive to everything? And why do I so strongly believe that really all I am doing is biding my time waiting for the other shoe to drop (in other words I am convinced that some time in the future things are going to go right back to how they always were and all I would have done is waste more of my precious time on a lie). I guess the simple answer goes back to the SMF (Steve Mind Fuck). Or to use the terms of a "Weird AL" Yankovic song "Everything You Know Is Wrong". In other words when you have gone as many years as I have not knowing what's real and what's in your mind, everything just gets turned all topsy turvy. I no longer am able to distinguish what part of me sees what is truly right in front of my eyes and how much of it is just me going around and around in psychological circles. I want to believe, but everything I've learned over the past 7 years tells me not to, and it's just not so easy to snap my fingers and change it, and maybe there's a little resistance there too because believing puts me in the position to be the victim again and I don't like being the victim and I don't like being played for a fool or an imbecile.
So what to do? Is there a solution? I don't know...
And why is it my duty to pander? I'm not trying to be rude here, but I think most people who know me know I would do whatever it is I that I have in my power to give to make them feel loved and appreciated, without really even trying too hard. So why is it with Steve, sometimes I feel like I have a second child? Why does he make me feel like what I have isn't enough? For example, this happened only last night, and though it seems trivial is a very good example of what I mean. I have a huge stack of bills on my desk for the theatre. Those of you who know, know that this theatre is Steve's dream not mine. Sure I enjoy seeing flicks for free (when we can get up there) and the occasional time when I get to dress in fun outfits (for example this past weekend in early 1900's garb for "Titanic"). But all in all I would rather be home instead of spending my weekends in the middle of nowhere, possibly hanging out with friends or getting some chores done or crafting, or whatever (in fact not this past weekend but the one before it because we wet to the theatre I missed both a day at the MFA with Terri & Bob as well as Jason B.'s "Angeline" show). Anyways the point is I have this huge stack of work to do for something I don't even really enjoy that much. Not only that I hate doing bills and paperwork (even though it does have to get done) because that's exactly the type of job I left behind when I had Meaghan that was driving me absolutely batty (I want to be creating things.. not filing paper). And to make things more complicated, anyone who's ever had a kid probably will tell you having a 2 1/2 year old, not the easiest thing ever. You have to constantly watch them and play with them and make sure they're not getting into mischief. There's very little time to really sit in front of the computer and concentrate on real work (esp. finances which aren't something you can mess up). In fact the only way I even get to post blogs and write e-mails is because I start before she wakes up and then finish them later while she is at nap. So basically what I'm getting at (the long way round) is it's helpful if Steve is home so he can entertain her while I try to do any sorts of chores, inc. paperwork, but also laundry, dishes, general housework etc. So last night I was trying to do the paperwork and he was playing with Meaghan and I got a lot of stuff done but still have at least another days work still ahead of me, and we're finishing up eating (which I am balancing my dinner precariously on the wobbly stack of paperwork) and he wants to know how much more I have left. I respond that I'm not even close and he implies that he asked because he is "bored". What this means is he's tired of watching me do the paperwork for his theatre and wants me to stop so that I can play Everquest 2 with him. Now certainly you don't ever have to like twist my arm to get me to play games, but it was something about the way he suggested "can't you do the rest tomorrow"? I don't know why but it's just that sort of okay not only does Meaghan require me for her personal entertainment during the day but then my husband, a grown man who can by all means entertain himself so you know I can do bills and keep us out of say bankruptcy, also demands that I entertain him. And it isn't just a case of last night, it's all the time, like if has watching TV he wants me to sit and watch it with him (even if I don't like the programme) and on the occasions where I put my foot down and actually behave like a responsible adult and do the things I need to do, he only rarely stops what has doing and pitches in. The pitching in has been a bit better recently since the big blowup, but still its just... i dunno aggravating to be constantly expected to be supermom/wife all the time and have only about 3 hours a day I can really call my own which I spend writing to my friends. And obviously this would all be true if I were a single mom, but I think it's that idea that there IS someone there that can help and instead they hinder, as opposed to just dealing with it because you don't have an alternative. You know?
I guess to put it in simple terms, I'm not a diva, I'm not someone who expects to be treated like a queen, by my husband/boyfriends whatever (maybe I ought to start, perhaps that's part of the problem?!). But I also don't expect to be treated solely as a barefoot and pregnant housewife, a sex slave, a secretary, etc. I don't feel like I'm asking a whole lot. I enjoy stimulating conversations, the exchange of ideas, someone who I can talk to about the very deepest parts of me, and right now I feel like that voice is not being heard, or that anyone wants to hear it.
I don't know I already have gone on and on and there was still more... maybe I'll add more tomorrow.
[ETA] I've not got a lot to add since the other day. I had so many thoughts whirling in my head and for some reason now that I try to put it all down it's just not working out. I don't know, with any luck maybe I'm just tired of complaining and it's easier for me to concentrate on my more productive writing (like the dream journals/inspirational songs series) or maybe it's the doggoned astrological double Grand Trine (I'll post about it in it's own post in a few minutes just let me tie this one up first).
I guess a couple of things that still really bother me (which i kind of touched on above) is that I feel like I'm not healing from this process. I feel like Steve is truly working to make it up to me, be a better person (but belive me he still slips up, and I am trying to be understanding that just like I can't change overnight neither can he), but part of the issue before was that all my worrying about his mindfuckery (that was fun to say) was making me a prisoner, and now all my worrying about how to not get him back in the habit of mindfuckery is STILL making me a prisoner, so really I feel like though things have changed, really not that much has changed. This ultimately worries me because as you will learn (esp. as I write the inspirational songs journals; which touch a lot on the extremely personal and strong emotions which music brings out of me) I am a very sensitive person and even a hopeless romantic. I am someone who, though stongly independent at times, have been on a perpetual lifelong journey to find and share my innermost thoughts, feelings etc. with someone whom I share a very strong psychic bond of spiritual connection with, a soulmate as it were (though I do share some level of soulmatery {yes I like to make up words!} with most everyone I call "friend", I've always felt very strongly that there was perhaps one or at best a handful of people in the world that really are the kind of people that can set the very fabric of your soul on fire... so to speak).
I may or may not have explained this (I get a bit convoluted sometimes between what I've written people in e-mails and what I've written here {esp. before I purged the whole thing} and what I keep privately at LiveJournal .. so forgive me if I reiterate) but there was a point in my life in which I actively persued this ideal (soul mate/ideal.. whatver you want to call it) and was in no way willing to settle down with anyone else for long periods of time otherwise (it seems a bit harsh, but I kind of feel like if the person you're with doesn't occupy your thoughts for at least a good portion of the day {but you know not in a crippling way in which you can't accomplish anything; because that's just obsession and isn't really healthy} then something probably isn't really working. Essentially when it's right, every day should feel much like the first two months).
I can pinpoint when I gave up on this idea, it ws Fall of 1999, after Gates & I separated. No he wasn't my soulmate, though I cared about him greatly. I was kind of doing that retrospective thing where you realize that some people who meant a great deal to me always seemed to remain friends, and those who I took as paramours always started off strangers.. and that somewhere within that equation never the twain met.
In otherwords, I once someone became a dear friend I would fear to date them because if something went wrong (and my experience up until then, and even now is that inevitably it will) then you had that possibility of loosing them forever, and as someone who cherishes my friendships above all else this was just an unacceptable compromise.
On the flip-side of this coin, the people I would date would usually be strangers (or at least casual acqaintances whom I only had limited knowledge about) and we would eventually develop some sort of friendship from having spent time together, but that for whatever reason it was never as stong of a bond as with my friends. And to this day I can't figure out if this is based on the same fear, of getting too close and being afraid of the loss, or if it's just a poor choice on my part in the types of people I choose as dating material, but ithas always been a case of what I chose not really living up to my expectation. And my Expectation? Someone who I could both share with as deeply as I do with my closest friends (intellectually & spirtually) and who also fuels me in passionate ways (attraction & sexuality). And of course as long as I was/am in constant fear of the big "what-if" this is not going to happen. I need to stop worrying about what may be, and concentrate on what is and enjoy it while I have it.
Right now, I don't. So bank to the same old conundrum, do I continue hanging out hoping things will get better, or do I move on and get back to work on the "perpetual search"? Damn, I wish I knew the answer...
Some Side Points in this Journey:
* I am still having a difficult time justifying the lying. Sure Steve finally admitted what I've known these three long years, but only after things got so bad I could no longer function and wouldn't/couldn't move. I had given him so many opportunities (as I mentioned up and to including a week before, and also even the every night it happened three years ago, with quite a few times in between) to just tell me about it, and he admitted (once he admitted it) that he didn't tell me because he was afraid I would react in the very way that I did (well duh!), but I guess I will always wonder how much longer the lie would have gone on had I not gotten so bad. A few more months, years, forever? How can I live with him always wondering what else he is hiding and for how long he will hide it from me (though it's extremely hard to pull much over on my for long periods of time, because while I am a bit oblivious and have a crap memory about certain things, with the things that matter to me I'm like bloody Hercule Poirot and shit).
* Ultimate Insults: These all have to do with Sarah (the other woman). The first is worse in my book than the second, but the second involves a small measure of TMI (you've been warned).
1) Sarah bought a very generous gift for Meaghan, when she was born... too generous IMHO for soemone who was just supposed to be a co-worker (esp. as she hadn't given a gift for our wedding, which is where the more generous co-worker gifts came into play). I remember thinking it was very strange, esp. as I had her in my suspicions as the one he cheated on me with, but I tried to let it go. But of course it came round to the part when I had to write thank you notes to everyone, and I was having such a hard time with Sarah's.. for obvious reasons. I mean what do I write " Dear Sarah, thank you so much for the x, x & x you gave. Also thanks for fucking my husband. Love, me". But i mean that's prettymuch what was going through my head and Steve just fucking sat there and watched me struggle with it, even after I had expressly said that THIS was WHY I was having the problem with writing it. And he just kind of pishaw-ed me and told me once again how foolish I was being as he "hadn't had an affair" etc. So yeah he put me through that.. and I'm still bloody pissed about it, in fact moreso now that I know that he knew how hard it was for me and made me do it anyways. Part of me says he could have done that one himself... but then again I think it was one of those if he had I would have been more suspicious since he hadn't helped me on any of the other notes sort of thing.
2) I am a bit of an obsessive personality type. When I want to learn about things, I will gather as much information as possible about a subject until I'm satisfied that I'm pretty well versed on a particular item of interest. So it is probably with some vanity that I think that when I try to be, I am probably a decent (if not better than some) lover (though I do admit to sometimes being lazy and letting the guy do a lot of the work... esp. if it's not someone I'm that passionate about to begin with). I hav had at least two people tell me even several years later (because I have at least two perpetual stalkers that somehow keep trying to get back into my life) that they;ve not been able to find someone who makes them feel the way that I could (yes in THAT way). So yeah sometimes I think I'm all that and a bag of chips in the bedroom (hey I'm not usually this egotisical, you gotta let me have some fun!). And of course I'm not without my masochistic streak (not in the bedroom.. ok maybe sometimes there too depends on the person but hey TMI) so of course I just had to ask if She was worth it. A simple yes or no would have sufficed, of course, ok maybe just a No for ego purposes I don't think I really wanted to hear a yes. But of course Steve made it a point to go into enough detail (thank god not too much) to let me know that not only was she not worth it but that he didn't even "get off". OK well granted I asked, but really more information than I needed thanks! I mean I don't even know how to take that at all. So basically you reisked your entire realtionship for one night with some girl and you didn't even make it worth your time?! What the hell is that all about (oh yeah and he totally tried to tell me it was the guilt.. but I'm sorry thjat's a total SMF IMHO)?!
O.K. So I got all that of my chest and I think that's the brunt of it. GOtta now forward this thing to Chris M. (because he can't be buggered to get a MySpace, LOL!) and then I promise I will post the Grand Trines thing.