| Monday, October 29, 2007 |
| Maybe I’ll just skip the lunch and go straight to more death (see icon) [LJ Repost] |
*part of a series of posts I am cross-posting. I'm finally within the MySpace timeline, which means these posts will be dated the actual date/time they were originally posted*
This is a copy of parts of an e-mail I sent my friend Chris. It should sufficently explain to Adrian (who I promised I'd e-mail) and to Terri (I'm sorry I didn't make the party), and anyone else who's just been following this whole drama, what went on over this past weekend. Damn it's still called "testing" and won't let me change it. Did you get to go to Terri's party at least last night? I wish I had. I feel awful because I know she wanted me to go.. and I'm bummed because it sounded like there were awesome eats to be had. Long story short yesterday was a particularly bad day. Just when I thought I was making some headway, it all came tumbling down. I had talked to Terri via IM in the morning and had made up my mind I wasn't going to let Steve ruin it for me. My fear was basically this, I couldn't say I was going to the party without him because it would cause too many problems at home, but I also didn't want to go with him because I knew there would be drama (basically I pictured it being much like my family parties where Steve walks in already with a cloud over him because he doesn't want to be there and then sits on the couch and sulks and then takes everything everybody says to him the wrong way and spouts it all back to me and gets angry when we get home about how much my family hates him etc. and so forth when in reality he has brought it on himself by being so negative). So I got to the point, as I usually do where I was letting his behaviour dictate what I wanted to do, I didn't feel like going to the party because it was less trouble to not go at all, but then after talking to Terri I was kind of like why am I letting him do this to me, I'm just going to go and if he can't have a good time it's not my problem. Things turned out worse than predicted however, because I made the mistake of telling him I changed my mind, when what I should have done is got me and Meaghan ready and told him to either come or don't' come. Because I let him in on the decision making process, things turned out a bit different. We had to go food shopping, but I was hoping since he got home at 1 it would be more than enough time to go and get back and still get to the party, only the next thing you know he threw a load of laundry at me and expected that to be done, and then a load of dishes, finally it was 3 but maybe just maybe if i hurried i could still get done in time to go! Only then we go and conveniently he "gets sick" supposedly from eating Kelly's Roast Beef and has to stop off at the mall to use the bathroom, no word of a lie he left me and Meaghan sitting out in the parking lot for a good 30 or 45 minutes, when if he had dropped us off at the supermarket (across the street from the mall) we could have been getting the groceries done. I didn't get home until 6, and I don't know when Terri's party started since I couldn't find the invite, but I'm guessing around 7, and i still had to put the groceries away (he didn't help) and I would have had to shower and come up with an outfit and Meaghan hadn't even had a nap so she was cranky... so as you see the day seemed to be finely orchestrated to doom me to stay home for the evening, as evidenced by the comment when we got home of "well I guess you can't make it to that party now". There was also several other issues that day as well, the first when I actually asked to go get Kelly's in the first place (because I was so hungry I felt nauseous) like he asked me "what I was going to do for him" if he took me, and then later I wanted to get Meaghan a new pumpkin today and was telling him the story about why (basically her old one rotted and she was really sad and crying over it) and he was upset that I promised her we would get a new one without asking him first, and when I tried to defy him and say fine I'll just go on Monday then, he said as if he were joking (only it wasn't funny because I felt like he was deadly serious) "no, you're the woman and you do what I say", lastly there was an incidence where he tried to tickle me with this paintbrush, and I didn't like it because partially not feeling well and partially because i didn't want him near me and I told him to stop several times, and every time I did he would do it more eventually grabbing my arms and backing me into a corner, finally i got him to stop but he acted as if I were over-reacting because he didn't see what the big deal was about being tickled with the brush, and i was like the tickling isn't the big deal, the big deal is you don't understand that when i say stop i mean stop. To top it all off I ended up catching a terrible cold, this is due to a lack of sleep Thursday night, because Steve had to pick up a movie and take it up to the theatre. I didn't want to go, but he pulled his usual mind game of well you don't have to go, but I'll be lonely and you don't love me, and of course guilted me into it, so not only did that involve waking up Meaghan twice (once to put her in the car and then again to get her out when we got there) but I didn't get any sleep because I can't sleep in cars (I have an anxiety attack because I almost died in a car accident several years ago due to falling asleep while driving... this is a different story involving another controlling male I'll tell you at some later time) . So needless to say I was all worn down and the day full of being out with people and rushing to do errands pretty much did me in. |
posted by IshtarAndromeda @ 1:52 PM  |
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| Monday, October 22, 2007 |
| How Funky is Your Chicken? [LJ Repost] |
*part of a series of posts I am cross-posting. I'm finally within the MySpace timeline, which means these posts will be dated the actual date/time they were originally posted*
So I've just come back from "The Happiest Place on Earth"(WDW)only to be more depressed. All the energy I had before going away about getting my shit together and working on projects is now gone. I don't feel like doing anything again. I had an O.K. time, except I decided that apparently I don't play well with others (this doesn't surprise me since they used to always write this on my report cards!) after about 3 days with my mom I was ready to kill her, and not really for any good reason she was just trying to be nice, but her constant doting kind of made me want to strangle her about five different ways. Then after she left I had to spend time with Steve, and of course that was a disaster. It is hard to explain when you aren't experiencing it yourself, but first of all there were the daily jokes about wanting to have "Disney sex" (we didn't thank god), to the point at which he is so juvinile that you quite literally have to watch every single word that comes out of your mouth (god forbid you can't think of the word you want to say and use the word "thing" to replace it, he takes it as an ivitation. For example I think I was trying to say i needed to put my wallet back in my bag, but for some reason said "put my thing in the thing" and of course this was followed by several minutes of "I'll put my thing in your thing") made me puke a little inside my mouth that did). On top of this, he is worse behaved than several 7 year old boys, he cannot sit for like five minutes, no word of a lie, without fidgeting in some way, this usually involves poking me in the arm hard with a finger, or pulling my hair, or trying to stick his finger in my nose , or in my ear (esp. if it is a "wet-willie"), I shit you not. Meaghan behaves better than that! Fucking annoying. He's already talking about making plans for next year, and I have no idea how to tell him or explain to him that I don't forsee a "next-year" or possibly even want to try to work towards a "next-year". He also got me Kelly Clarkson tickets for Tuesday. I mean she's ok as far as pop music goes. I admit I am a closet American Idol fan, and I do own two out of her threee albums, but she's not exactly who I have on the top of my list for must-see concert of the year (I would have liked Kula Shaker or Concrete Blonde tickets, but they're not playing round here). Anyways the whole presentation of these tickets began with "Who's the best husband in the world?", yeah really right ? And things like this often happen, the days are full of his ego seeking games, like "You Don't Love Me Anymore" or "You Hate Me" which are expected to be answered in a way that makes him feel good about himself. And hopefully this helps one understand why in my mind I am stabbing his eyes out one million times with a pencil. I am starting to not even be able to belive how much hatred one person can actually have for another. I quite literally wish he would drop dead, and no I don't think I'd be sorry I said that either if it were to truly happen (for all those be careful what you wish for people out there). Also the funniest bit about the Kelly tickets, is he bought this extra set, and he was going to invite two of his friends along, and when it seemed like they weren't going to make it he did eventually ask me if anyone I knew would like to go. This is funny on several levels, the first being the not so funny, my friends are second in line, if he were truly the "best husband in the world" would it have not made sense to invite people I would have liked to spend time with first, rather than as a last resort? Also it is just amusing because I quite literally cannot think of anyone (except my half-sister in FLA) that would be caught dead at a Kelly Clarkson concert, and I siad as such to which he looked very bewilderered as if he could not possibly imagine that there were people on the planet who wouldn't give thier left arm to go to this concert, and it occured to me then and there that I don't think he understands me, or ever did. That our entire marriage has been based on his trying to mold me into what he wants. I didn't used to like gambling before I met him, and our anniversary this year was spent in Las Vegas. I didn't used to like football or baseball, and our weekends and nights are made up of watching games on the television. I could go on here, but I think you see the jist of what I am saying. While, I admit on some level that I like these things now because I tried them and they turned out to be better than I thought they would be, there is still some level in which I feel like the last five years has been about making me like the things I like, yet he won't even listen to an entire episode of my podcast because he doesn't "know that song/band". So I'm supposed to just swallow whatever medicine you give and enjoy it, but you're not expected to even try to understand the things that I enjoy? Frankly I'm tired of it, and while I guess I should be fighting for it, I just have no energy left anymore. I don't feel like doing anythign or going anywwhere and that's probably how he wants it, and I shouldn't let him do it, but I just don't have any willpower left. |
| posted by IshtarAndromeda @ 9:19 AM |
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| Monday, October 15, 2007 |
| Conflicted.. [LJ Repost] |
*part of a series of posts I am cross-posting. I'm finally within the MySpace timeline, which means these posts will be dated the actual date/time they were originally posted*
So this weekend, to say the very least has proved to be interesting. I spent Saturday with some good friends of mine, without my husband. This in a word or two meant that yesterday (sunday) was spent in deep contemplation. Even now I am having a difficult time putting into words, exactly how I am feeling. Part of it has to do with Paul, who I actually introduced myself to in person on Saturday (even though I kind of half made an idiot of myself not saying a whole lot). It was possible both the best and yet most infuriating part of my day. I am normally a master of controlling my emotions, except on the rare occasion when the meter gets full and then I do a bit of my whirling dervish impression (in otherwords it just all comes out at once, i quite litterally vomit out everything on the person who pushes me over the edge). This day was no different, I am sure ven Terri who was with me will be surprised that all these things were going through my head at that one particular moment in time. I was angry at myself - for not saying more, to explain better there was a time while even though I have always been shy and quiet I could muster the stength to overcome it, my most notorious time of this was how I introduced myself to an ex-boyfriend of mine (Brian) freshman year of college. My roomate Denise and I were clubbing at Venus de Milo on Landsdowne Street (don't look for it it is now Jake Ivory's Dueling Piano Bar) and I saw him across the room and just new I wanted to get to know him, and I quite litterally ran across the dance floor snakily avoiding the crowd and jumped into Brian's lap and said "Hi I'm Tonya, how are you". It was possibly the boldest move ever since I had no clue that he was even straight never mind if he had a girlfriend who possibly may have even been with him in the club, but it all worked out and we dated over that summer. Meanwhile in stark contrast my meeting with Paul was much more, I had planned before hand with him that if I were to see him I would introduce myself. I put it off for a good portion of the morning being a big fat chicken, and finally he was walking by us as we were munching at a nearby picnic table, and I still hesitated for a moment or two and then finally going over and then patetically indtroducing myself shaking his hand and then having very little to say after that he ended up talking more to Meaghan than to me (in several different languages, that bastard, way to make me swoon even more). I was just so pissed at myself, I was like what happened to me? Where is that girl that used to be so confident. While part of me would like to say the nice answer and blame it on guilt, because this whole process has made me feel like a a big fat cheater even though all I have done is exchange a couple e-mails and shake the guys hand, I really feel like I no longer have very much compassion for my husband. So what I think is that I was anrgy at myself for not doing more, as if somehow having a conversation with him would have helped matters even though I know it wouldn't because that led to the feeling of ...Conflict - If I did actually not behave like an idiot and had a decent conversation with Paul, what did I expect to happen, or moreover what did I want to happen? As much as my husband pisses me off, I know the pain of being cheated on and I would never inflict in upon another no matter how much I really wanted to. So assuming that Paul is even free to pursue a realtionship, or even wants one, or even would want one with me, I am not free to do the same. Even were I to be free, is that what I want? I kind of need the time to sort out my own shit, and jumping into another relationship before I get that straightened out is probably not the best plan ever. Not to mention there's that whole, how much do I even really know about this guy, other than a few morsels of personal bits he has thrown me, most of it is based on conjecture from reading blogs and wactching his shows (you can't really base an opinion of a person on thier stage persona). I mean I guess it's no different than anyone else I have ever been out with, almost all of whom were virtual strangers when we started dating, but I guess because I'm thinking of turning my whole world upsaide down as it is, I feel like some kind of assurance that it's not going to turn into yet another fiasco would be nice. this is of course where the following emotion comes into play....Fear - what if he's just another asshole, in a long line of assholes? I mean I'm not really known to have the best taste in guys ever. He seems nice enough, but then again how much can you trust the apparent niceness of someone who has to work people to get cash? It could just be another way to insure he gets a big fat wad of cash at the end of the day (allthough I'm having a hard time picturing it from the guy who doesn't even own a television). Also there is the fact that he's divorced,. As much as I hate using one bad example to perpetuate a whole group of people, my current husband was divorced, and in retrospect now that I have been with him for a while I can see why, so there's a bit of guardedness there because I have this line of thinking locked into "if he's divorced there must be a good reason why", and maybe it was just something stupid like she couldn't handle all his travelling or maybe she was a jealous person (I can't necessarily promise I wouldn't be either) and didn't like the fact that he had to talk to lots of people and women are pretty much throwing themselves at him ( while I do have a huge crush on him I don't consider myself in that group of people since I actually have meaningful conversations with him and don't just spew on his MySpace "OMG YOURZ SO HOTT!!!!!!!"). And of course there's a bit of curiousity (for those of you that are into things astrological) about the whole Capricorn/Taurus combination (short explanation, one of the most deadly {in a good way} combinations of signs that could meet). And of course on the side there is the whole fear of the process, I mean I have Meaghan and my security to think about. it's a big decision to just up and trhow away my life on a whim (and I don't mean Paul here, I mean this whole urge to just grab control of my life and do something with it). Guilt - I never thought I would be THAT person. I belived in the power of love and of relationships, and went through quite a few different people before I decided I was going to settle down. I wanted to make sure it was right, I didn't want to be one of those people who got a divorce, and I tried to make sure that I was making the right decision before I made that commitment. I think a little bit I was fooling myself. I was really broken-hearted after Gates broke up with me, since he was not ready for marriage and I thought I was. I spent the next two years mostly just thinking about what I wanted and not really getting involved with anyone (I did have a couple of flings, but my heart wasn't really in them so they don't really count) and then I met Steve, and he asked me and now thinking back i am questioning if I said yes because I was afraid of being alone or because I actually wanted to marry him. I also sometimes question his motives as well, I once found a series of letters he had written to some exes almost everyone of them he mentioned marriage at some point, which makes me kind of belive he had an M.O. of sorts. he would find vulnerable women and try the whole marriage line out on them and if they stuck around then he knew he could have the control. I am thinking now that possibly I shouldn't have been so desperate. My current relationship has robbed me of everything that I once felt like I stood for, confidence, independence, a "like me for who I am of fuck off attitude.I feel like there was more I wanted to say, but it got lost again (as it tends to do when I overexplain).. so that's it for now until another wave of emotion |
| posted by IshtarAndromeda @ 7:59 AM |
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| Wednesday, October 3, 2007 |
| For the sake of conjecture... [LJ Repost] |
*part of a series of posts I am cross-posting. I'm finally within the MySpace timeline, which means these posts will be dated the actual date/time they were originally posted*
This is the aforementioned houseTres expensive I know, and I am wondering if anyone else besides me wants to come up with some sort of Freudian reason why the house I love happens to look like a church (aside from the obvious reason being I just like that kind of thing). Am I perhaps being drawn in by it's promise of "sanctuary"?Also for those of you with an insatiable curiosity, here are several websites regarding Paul (in case you were trying to figure out what the heck I am going on about half the time).http://people.tribe.net/paolohttp://www.myspace.com/paologarbanzohttp://www.garbanzojuggling.com/ |
| posted by IshtarAndromeda @ 12:00 PM |
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| About Me |
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Name: IshtarAndromeda
Home: Medford, Massachusetts, United States
About Me: I dabble in many things. I'm not really a professional anything, though I try to be all of the following: music critic, dream intrepreter, DJ/podcaster, Astrologist, crafter (jewelry, clothing & acessories, as well as other miscellany), television theorist, video gamer, and the list is always evolving and changing.
See my complete profile
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