Still more in the continuing series...
The Highwayman by Loreena McKennitt: this is a poem by Alfred Noyes, set to music. I love this song for it's extremely strong imagery. I can picture very distinctly every scene in my head. Descriptions such as: "He'd a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin, A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;" truly great! Of course the bit that gets me every time (for real this song makes me cry) is the ending, the landlord's daughter kills herself in order to warn her beloved, but to no avail. Upon hearing her death, the highwayman charges forward without hesitation, and is shot down. Awesome tragic love story!
Cairo by Amazulu: I absolutely love Amazulu, but it's virtually next to impossible to find any of their stuff over here in the USA! Boo Hoo! What few songs I have are all on really random compilations (a few I bought only for the reason that Amazulu was on them). I first saw this band through the television show "The Young Ones" and just loved them for thier fun upbeat tempos infused with calypso melodies and whatnot.
The Ferryman's Daughter by Donovan: it's another one of those kind of folky throwback songs that sound like they're either medieval or at least been passed on for a few generations. It's credited as being written by Donovan, so I'm assuming he just made it up on his own and it just sounds older than it actually is (Donovan is kind of cool in that way). Amusingly it's what Terri and I would call a "bodice-ripper" or "flimsy-maiden" story, you know the kind where the rough and tumble gypsy-type male comes through town and has a roll in the hay with the local inswoman type of deal.
It's Oh So Quiet by Bjork: strangely I didn't much like Bjork at first, and the older I get the more I think she's brilliant (in that kind of completely insane sort of way). I like how she uses a lot of different styles, is extremely artistic, and doesn't give a good god-damn (apparently) what anyone thinks of her. Regarding this particular song; I like the juxtaposition between the soft playful music and the loud in your face jazz, as well as the lyrics which match. I think the allure of the song is evidenced in the words, but this is a pretty good summation (IMHO) of the ups and downs of falling in love. You're just sort of minding your own business until BAM!
Great Hosannah by Kula Shaker: this is one of three Kula Shaker entries (only because finetunes only lets you have three or else I would have done more damn it. In general I highly recommend the entire album "Peasants, Pigs & Astronauts"). Kula Shaker is my current favorite band at the moment (even though they've only recently gotten back together). great Hosannah is essentially my current Mantra. It's all about despite bad things happening hope is always just around the bend. I might actually spend an entire separate post on this one, come to think of it... tune in later
Crucified by Army of Lovers: another entry into the "betrayal" category. I take "savior" to mean "lover" so draw your own conclusions I guess. Sorry, I'm spent and my eye is falling out now (damn allergies LOL!).

I don't really feel like going into too much depth on this (mostly because I got something in my eye and can't really see out of the left side at the moment).
The Opening act Mick Mondo was strange, but quite good. To look at him all I would say is maybe he looks a bit like Marc Bolan from T-Rex if he had lived long enough to be in his early to mid-fourties, but also was still somehow stuck in the seventies at the same time.
Attitude wise the best way I can describe him is, you know that way that Johnny Depp portrays Captian Jack Sparrow in a way that's once removed from how Keith Richards actually acts in real life? Well if you were to create a rock star based on the Jack Sparrow character it would be about once removed from that (so twice removed from Keith Richards? I don't really know how it would work but that's the best way to explain it). He had the accent that was a bit of David Bowie and the swagger of Mick Jagger and all the talking about whiskey and alcohol and well it was pretty amusing. Steve and I looked at each other at first like, "Is this a joke?", but let me assure you, yes the look and persona are probably very much a joke, but the music was not.
He kind of did songs in sets of themes, I can't remember all of the songs he did ( I never do unless I write it down... damn goldfish memory) but I specifically remember he did the Doors "Alabama Song" (aka Whiskey Bar) and the Kinks "Celluloid Hero". All in all quite good, and I would consider seeing him again, even if he were the only act.
Slip Kid was also good, much better than I was expecting for a cover band. Gary essentially played the role of "Roger" while Mark played the role of "Pete" both instrumentally and vocally. Some bits were filled in by the keyboardist, since there were only five members (when the Who tour, usually Simon Townshend backs up on second [rhythm?] guitar, so those parts as well as Fench Horn and Violin parts had to be filled in electronically). The most noticible difference is I didn't actually lose my hearing for three days afterwards, but they made the most of it, especially with Gary coming out for the first sets in Daltrey's trakemark sahdes and mod-style suit jacket. Again quite good and I would see them again, though I was surprised to find that there were groupies?! I didn't know cover bands could have groupies? I mean there was a group that was really going nuts and getting into it, I was almost as entertained by them as much as I was by the band. Steve actually recognized a couple of them from High School, and to tell you the truth looking at them they haven't bothered to change much, thier clothing and hairstyles both screamed "I am stuck in 1984" but hey whatever floats your boat (read as "get a life").

Terri and I got together for our normally bi-weekly (though it seemed more like once monthly this time) breakfast get together (this is a new tradition which normally takes place on Thursdays at Eatz in North Andover, unless they're closed and then we wing it).
I was feeling a real hankering for an Astrology book, a good astrology book that would teach me the stuff I don't already understand fully, like the houses and aspects, as well as get me started on my own charts. I'm glad I went to a bookstore for this because there are so many astrology books that don't tell you that stuff it's not even funny, so I would have been pretty disspointed had I made a random purchase through Amazon.com.
I ended up with Llewellyn's New A to Z Horoscope Maker and Interpreter ( A comprehensive self study course). It's a humongous college sized class tome full of pretty much a chapter each on everything I wanted to know (and then some) so as long as it's eay to understand, I should be in good shape. I also seriously considered "Astrology for Dummies". It was the only other book that discussed charts, maybe I'll get it later as a companion. The funny thing about the "Dummies" series it all depends who writes them, sometimes they are complete crap (as you would expect) but every once and a while with a certain volume you find really good writing and explanations, this looked like one of those occasions.
Of course I intended only to buy one book, but the laws of nature always intercede on the behalf of the gods of Borders, Barnes & Noble and convince me to do otherwise, so I walked out with these as well:
The Hellbound Heart by Clive Barker. No it wasn't the hardbound anniversary edition I wanted, I'm still trying to get a good quality used copy of that, but I call myself a "Hellraiser" fan and I never technically owned this book (though I had read it) so even though it's a paperback... I got it anyways. Reading it again I rememeber how much they changed certain things. I wonder when they do the remake if it will be closer to the book? There's some strong images (especially in the first chapters) that were left out that I think I'd really like to see put back in.
The Stand (Complete & Uncut Edition) by Stephen King. I have already owned this book, not once but twice, and now this makes number three. This is for some reason my all time favorite post-apocalytic story. I just read it so many times that the bindings on my others inevitably broke and the pages all were falling out and eventually got lost, so really a harcover of this is really in order at some point, but all they had is one paperback copy whose spine already has a ripple down the middle (which means this one is going to end up trashed as well) .
The Divine Comedy (Oxford World's Classic Edition) by Dante Alighieri. Again in the realm of books that I have owned several times, my first edition of "The Inferno" which I read in high school was an excellent translation, but I never remember through what publisher. I read that so many times it died as well, I eventually had to shoot it and put it out of it's misery and replaced it with a copy in college I procured at the BU Bookstore (I figured a college would have a good version, of course, I was sadly mistaken). This copy was just crap. I hated the translation and only read it one or two times and have been holding on to it all this time with the intent of replacing it. So I did, finally, and not only that it's the full comedy which means I will also finally get to read both Purgatorio and Paradiso as well (YEA!!!). Now hopefully it's an engaging translation. I really wanted to read it in the store (enough to decide) but I figured that was rude.
The Big-Ass Book of Crafts by Mark Montano. Oh come on you didn't think I could resist a craft book with the word big-ass on the cover did you? If they hadn't used it this is totally what I would have named my craft book if I were to make one. Most of the projects I probably could have found online somewhere, but it's always handy to actually have your hards free and the book in front of you then running around trying to find links and follow instructions from my computer (where I inevitably get distracted and fuck off to write blogs and e-mails).. so yeah I bought it. Theres a bunch of stuff I already want to sit down and do (which I could name but it would take too long), and a lot of it is using recycled materials so that's always nice as well (save the envrioment).
Lastly I bought Numerology with Tantra Ayurveda and Astrology by Harish Johari. I have already been teaching myself comprehensive numerology through the internet, but wanted a companion book. Unfortunately this was one of only two books on the subject at the store. Fortunately it ties into other areas I have interests in as well, plus it helped that some of the chapters begin with Hindu illustrations, which pretty much sold me without me even reading the description on the back of the book. Yeah that's how open to suggestion I am, if you want me to buy something just slap a nice ole picture of Ganesha on it somewhere.

Yeah it's a whiney post, either deal or don't read it.
I was fine earlier, and now I'm totally bummed out again as usual. I just picked up Meaghan from my mom, and of course she was a happy kid until I got her alone. This is her new thing, she constantly yells at me, misbehaves, and otherwise treats me like ass. I'm sure some of this is due to being 2 1/2 and wanting to be independent, but I am also just bitter because I feel like a lot of this has to do with Steve. Partially because I have one approach to parenting (trying to give Meaghan choices and figure it out, only scolding her when necesary) and he has another (yell a lot)... so it's to that point where she no longer responds to positive parenting, just negative parenting... so therefore doesn't listen to me, EVER anymore. It may also be because she sees that this is the way he treats me, daddy treats mommy like shit so I can do it too. Maybe I'm just reading into it too much because I'm in a pissy mood today.. but there yah go.
We went to a show last night, Slip Kid, which is obviously a Who Cover band. It has Gary Cherone (from Extreme) and his brother Mark Cherone. They were good, the opener was also strange and good at the same time (Mick Mondo). I'll talk more about that in another post maybe. The point was is that the night actually went pretty well up until the finale. People stood up to get them to come back out, applause that sort of thing.. and you know I stand up too and as soon as I did Steve's like all got his arm around me practically suffocating me and all of a sudden starts like trying to kiss me a lot (he didn't kiss me at all while we were sitting)! Like what as soon as I'm in a position where someone else can see me you have to like claim me (well at least I can be humourous about it, Eddie Izzard's flag skit just jumped in my head) so everyone knows I "belong" to you? WTF is up with that?! And it reminded me because for some reason at least 2 people have commented on this.. about how I'm indirectly made to feel like hanging out or talking to my friends is somehow a crime or a priviledge and made to feel guilty or like I'm cheating somehow if these friends happen to be guys, when I have never given him reason to suspect that I would cheat on him (and I wouldn't even on days where I despise the utter core of his being) and yet he has and I don't try to control him at all. I mean what is it? The guilty conscience, or is he just generally an ass? or what.. I dunno but it pissed me off.
I guess I should clarify becuase some of these posts make me sound like maybe the problem is with me, and yeah maybe it is with me, because a lot of them sound like I don't like intamacy and that sort of thing. That is actually not the truth at all, I love intamacy when I am made to feel like it is given out of caring and mutual respect, what I don't like is it seeming like some forced issue in which it is given to win either sexual favors, or in the case above to label me as some piece of property. I guess I felt like I ought to mention that.. since I realized that I was coming off like I have space issues, and I really don't think I do, I need some space sure I think we all require some healthy time away from our SO's now and again... but I'm certianly not keeping people outside of a cetain radius from me or anything like that.
On a similar vein there was also a bit in which Gary asked the crowd to put thier hands over thier heads and clap. Steve's clapping was so obnoxiously over done that his arms were going in and out of my headspace, therefore I had to do this tiny half-assed clap sort of thing. I know it seems trivial I guess... but all it made me think of is that part in "The Wedding Singer" (no it's not my favorite movie, though it does keep coming up) where Julia wanted the window seat because she'd never seen Vegas before but Glen insisted he sit there because she was smaller and so the drink car is going by and like hits her in the elbow and shit. Yeah it's like that! All you care about is you, it doesn't bother you at all that what you are doing is both invading my personal space and also making it uncomfortable for me to participate and have fun. Also he practically reemed me out because during one portion I had my eyes closed. I think he thought I was sleeping or not having a good time even though I explained to him about 10 times (or more) that no I was only listening to the music. And I was! I was trying to kind of single out the individual performances, and in order for me to do that I really have to concentrate so I can tell the bass parts from say the guitar or keyboard parts. I'm sure lots of people do it with classical music, maybe I'm the only one that does it with rock (I often go to sleep with headphones on so I can listen to all the fine points you can't hear when you have music playing in say your car or a crowded room).. I dunno, but he seemed really mad at me about it and all I was trying to do was enjoy it.
So as you can see, things are pretty much back to being suckily normal... I really just need to get the courage to divorce his ass. I wanted to work on it and work it out, but I'm just bloody miserable ALL THE TIME... and it's just no way to live. I need to figure out something and fast... this blows
In other news to add to all the other turmoil I was contacted earlier last week by a guy who seemed really interested in getting to know me. And I don't know if it's because he figured out I was married or because he just found me really boring once he started talking to me, but he hasn't written again. I keep trying to tell myself that maybe he's just busy, but you know it's that low self-esteem thing, I just can't belive that I'm a remotely interesting person at all lately. This bums me out because I would have at least liked a friendship even though I am not considering dating right away (even if I do get a divorce) because I'm just not mentally in a good place, plus you know I'll have to get a place to live and move all my junk and get a job and send Megs to daycare full time and all that so I won't have time right off. But yeah he was this 37 year old Persian composer/conductor guy, with long hair and the whole bit, so yeah bummer on that esp. if it was because of my personality (and sadly I didn't bitch or whine at all. All I talked about was music, and I thought it was going well until he didn't write anymore).
So yeah lots of drama and self-loathing and MEH!

Having a "not too coherent" moment (gee I wonder why?) so bear with me. I had a lot of stuff I wanted to write but in the interest of time and so as not to really repeat a bunch of stuff I just wrote on chat, a copy of the chat log instead to explain. Hope people don't mind I quoted or spoke of them in parts, as this is all privatized:
[08:34] IshtarAndromeda: the shit totally hit the fan.. he admitted the affair (at least the old one from three years ago, he still denies there's been another)
[08:34] IshtarAndromeda: and now I gotta basically decide what hand I feel like playing[
08:36] IshtarAndromeda: yeah except I STILL don't know what to do
[08:36] IshtarAndromeda: I don't know WHY... but I don't
[08:37] IshtarAndromeda: I mean the logical part of me is like he broke the only rule I pretty much have... I'm not really someone who makes a lot of complicated behavorial tactics... I have one rule you broke it... you should therefore lose your right to have an opinion
[08:38] IshtarAndromeda: I don't belive a word he says, and I will never forget nor forgive what happened.. so I doubt it can be repaired
[08:38] IshtarAndromeda: and I dont feel like I owe him anything
[08:38] IshtarAndromeda: even though he keeps telling me how sorry he is and how he has wanting to been telling me and he couldn't be a man about it and blah blah blah
[08:38] IshtarAndromeda: and oh yeah how much it hurt him that it was hurting me
[08:38] IshtarAndromeda: it's fucking bullshit
[08:38] IshtarAndromeda: I know it's fucking bullshit
[08:39] IshtarAndromeda: and yet I feel for some retarded ass reason like I at least owe it to him to try the therapy even though I should totally be gone already
[08:40] IshtarAndromeda: please yell at me and tell me I'm a fool, because that's my gut feeling.. and I keep telling myself to listen to my gut more often
[08:43] IshtarAndromeda: that's how I feel
[08:43] IshtarAndromeda: like I'm totally letting him off scott free
[08:43] IshtarAndromeda: esp. since I'm so distant from him these days that he'll probably just use that as an exuse later down the line to do it again
[08:44] IshtarAndromeda: even though he swears he won't
[08:44] IshtarAndromeda: but then they all do don't they?
[08:44] IshtarAndromeda: I did tell him under no uncertain circumstances that if I stay things are going to change a lot
[08:45] IshtarAndromeda: pretty much I am going to expect him to lick the shit off my bootheels, and thats not even a guarantee that I wont still leave him
[08:45] IshtarAndromeda: but I don't know that doesn't even sound good enough
[08:46] IshtarAndromeda: I don't normally think of myself in these terms... but the Ishtar part of my persona is of course telling me to take it all and make his life hell in the process
[08:47] IshtarAndromeda: well it {the affair} already came up last week and he still lied to me about it
[08:47] IshtarAndromeda: but obviously ive been a lot worse the last two days so i finally wore him down.. only took three years
[08:48] IshtarAndromeda: you know.. he totally made it out like it was my fault too
08:48] IshtarAndromeda: he didnt mean for it to happen he was just there and talking to her and he felt something he was "missing" at home
[08:49] IshtarAndromeda: oh yeah and then the sob story about how much it hurt him to keep it form me
[08:49] IshtarAndromeda: hes been having stomach problems and heart pains
[08:49] IshtarAndromeda: and woe is me
[08:49] IshtarAndromeda: yeah like I was having a fucking carnival
[08:50] impybat27: I hate to say this but...if you're expecting him to adhere to your rules after you put for foot down, you're in for a surprise :(
[08:51] IshtarAndromeda: that's the thing... I don't think it's gonna happen
[08:51] IshtarAndromeda: I totally deserve better
[08:51] IshtarAndromeda: I know hes full of shit
[08:51] IshtarAndromeda: and appaerently I am an idiot because knowing all that I'm still trying make up my mind when it seems pretty obvious
[08:52] impybat27: you are not an idiot, none of this is because of you
[08:52] IshtarAndromeda: it is because I won't/can't seem to do something about it
[08:52] IshtarAndromeda: I shoudl have left three years ago
[08:52] IshtarAndromeda: I knew it happened even though I couldn't prove it
[08:52] IshtarAndromeda: and I put up with his lies and bullshit and manipulation all this time
[08:52] IshtarAndromeda: for what
[08:53] IshtarAndromeda: all I did is waste more time on a lie.. in which my daughter would have not had to been abused, I could have spent more time with my freinds and felt good about myself as a person, and possibly been finding someone thats going to treat me the way I should be treated
[08:55] IshtarAndromeda: and I know you and every other person I talk to is going to tell me the same thing
[08:55] IshtarAndromeda: and then you know I do that thing where am I doing it because its what I want or because it's what other people want me to do
[09:02] impybat27: so, I never knew about that thing with your mom and him threatening her in the Jeep
[09:02] IshtarAndromeda: oh yeah
[09:02] IshtarAndromeda: there was also a thing with my dad I didnt mention, it wasnt as big of a deal tho
[09:02] IshtarAndromeda: there was a few things in there that no one knew about but my immediate family until yesterday
[09:07] impybat27: so, where is he now?
[09:08] IshtarAndromeda: work
[09:08] IshtarAndromeda: the worst part is I have to drive him
[09:08] IshtarAndromeda: this is another thing that wasn't as important to the story
[09:08] IshtarAndromeda: unless of course he did it on purpose knowing he was going to come clean and figired I would be stuck with him for a few more days at the very least ;-)
[09:09] IshtarAndromeda: but he totally ran his truck into the telephone pole in front of our driveway
[09:09] IshtarAndromeda: I don't know how or why he did that.. sicne he's had the same driveway since he learned how to drive
[09:10] IshtarAndromeda: oh yeah and soemhow that was indirectly my fault.. because I parked in the garage and I dont usually and he got distracted when he didnt see my car in the driveway
[09:10] IshtarAndromeda: I mean for real when I saw it out the window I was yelling to myself "wtf is he like drunk?"
[09:10] IshtarAndromeda: he wasn't but still how do you just randomly do that?
[09:11] impybat27: he got distracted...is there anyhting the man won't say that isn't complete bs?
[09:13] IshtarAndromeda: yeah you ought to read what dawn has been saying
[09:13] IshtarAndromeda: and shes his friends wife
[09:13] IshtarAndromeda: apparently they all have gotten together on other occasions talk about what an ass he is and how he plays midfucks with everyone
[09:14] IshtarAndromeda: to the point at which they have an official acronym for it
[09:14] IshtarAndromeda: LOL
[09:14] IshtarAndromeda: SFM (steve mind fuck)
[09:16] IshtarAndromeda: btw
[09:17] IshtarAndromeda: I was prety brash
[09:17] IshtarAndromeda: I felt like i was totaly absorbing some of your aura (in a good way)
[09:18] IshtarAndromeda: because at one poini I was like well I hope it was the best damn lay you ever had because it's probably going to cost you everything
[09:18] IshtarAndromeda: and stuff like that
[09:18] IshtarAndromeda: I was awesome
[09:18] IshtarAndromeda: if only I could stay in that persona for longer that'd be cool
[09:42] IshtarAndromeda: It's just I'm kind of like not really knowing if maybe I should take a day or two without anyone else's opinion to get my mind on straight..
[09:42] IshtarAndromeda: but then again my friends aren't the issue theyre just trying to help me
[09:43] IshtarAndromeda: but definately i could use a day away from him trying to tell me how sorry he is.. it's only been like 16 hours and I'm already tired of hearing it
[09:43] IshtarAndromeda: I would feel better if he didn't say everything in that same insincere tone he used when he told me the last 5 times I confronted him that he didnt have an affiar
[09:44] IshtarAndromeda: you know what I mean?
[09:44] IshtarAndromeda: it's like he's just lying again
[09:44] IshtarAndromeda: and I could be over-reacting because I'm hurt.. but I dunno it's that gut thing again
[09:44] IshtarAndromeda: like you can't possibly be sorry or love me because if you did you wouldn't have done it
[09:45] IshtarAndromeda: and I know that sounds like some sort of blackmail.. like I expect everyone to live by my set of rules or something.. but at the same time I can't help the way I think and feel
[09:45] IshtarAndromeda: and he knew thats how I felt about it even before it happened
[09:45] IshtarAndromeda: so its not like i said one thing and then changed

THIS WAS a "select friends" post, but since everythings out in the open now I'm switching it to standard "friends" list. The strikethu bits can now be ignored.
Congrat-u-fucking-lations....:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O />
If you are reading this post it is because I have confided in you at some point in time and you have made it to my very exclusive "private friends" list... which means that you get to read all the posts I don't want everybody else to read!
Woo... go you...
If I sound a bit pissy about this prospect, please be aware that (to use an old cliché) it's not you, it's me
I AM NOT in a great mood and the thing causing me to make more posts more private than others is not good news.
For those of you not already aware (which looking at this list is probably only you Jason, and I'm guessing you probably know more than you let on, it's just I haven't told you personally) I've been having problems with Steve (my husband).
Some of these problems date as far back as right after we got married. He is very controlling, to the point at which he behaves in an unacceptable manner making it difficult for me to hang out with my family and/or friends.
An example of this is that at most social occasions he either does not, or barely talks to anyone. He usually sits there with his arms crossed making it very obvious that he does not want to be there. This then causes me to look bad as everyone asks me what his problem is, etc. and other things I really don't want to answer because it requires me to make excuses for him, and we all know I'm such a terrific liar (not at all).
Due to this behavior it becomes more and more difficult for me to motivate myself to go places (this is probably exactly what he is aiming for) because of the stress of not knowing if he's just going to make me miserable, or worse start some sort of confrontation.
In addition, on several occasions he has gone out of his way o make sure I somehow didn't make it to an event which I had originally planned to go. For example Terri's Halloween Party, which after much fighting myself regarding the fact that I really wanted to go, but also trying to respect my husband (and I knew he didn't), decided I was going to do it anyway. We had a few errands to do, but nothing earth shattering that would have taken long, and yet somehow slowly it turned into an all day event, including a one hour stint in which he left Meaghan and I stranded in a mall parking Lot (he claimed he had to use the bathroom, but then didn't come back for a while). Thus, Meaghan never got a nap, and we got home too late to get changed and drive over there to be in time, so I missed the party.
I am constantly being told that my opinions are wrong (even apparently so far as Dawn jokingly said if I were to say the sky were blue, that he would argue that point with me) and am made to feel like my voice is not important, that I am stupid, unattractive, and that nobody is looking out for my best interest but him.
Examples of this include that he often says he can't hear me (which would be believable except that when it's something he WANTS to hear he could hear it from two rooms away). That it's my fault because I don't speak up or look him in the eye. I admit the eye contact is a problem, I don't really want to get too involved in an explanation of this, other than I am about 95% certain that I have borderline Asperger's Syndrome. We'll just leave it at that for now (in other words it's something I don't have a lot of control over, without a lot of social reconditioning from a therapist, yet my husband acts as if it is a personal effrontery). to the point at which he has expressly made a rule (yes a "rule") around the house that if he does not respond to something I say verbally that it means he did not hear me and that I should say it again until he does. However, on several occasions he has responded to what I have been talking about... to the point at which we have had full blown conversations, and the next day when I bring up said conversation he just looks at me like he never heard it before in his life. And he asks me" did I hear you say this?" and when I respond "yes, we had a whole conversations about it" and even go so far as to quote the conversation, he STILL won't admit that it ever happened. It makes me feel like my opinions are not valid or important or that I my self am apparently boring and uninteresting to listen to... until I become so withdrawn that I don't want to talk at all. I feel like nobody cares about what I have to say.
As far as the unattractive issue, it's possible that's more in my head than caused by him. But when you don't feel good about yourself in one way, the rest of your self image tends to follow. I will admit there's often backhanded compliments, such as "I know you don't think you're attractive, but I love you no matter how you look" and that sort of thing, which maybe is meant to psychotically impair me in some way. Sometimes the hardest part is trying to figure out when he is playing a mind-fuck on me and when he isn't.
As far as making himself look like he's the only one that cares about me? This is similar to the back-handed compliments route. He instills doubt in the other people around me by bringing up things they had done in the past (normally I'm a forgive and forget kind of gal, my husband is more of a never forgive and have a chip on his shoulder forever kind of guy). So yeah, my parents are messed up (I think everyone is in some way, but it doesn't mean they're always out to get you, or they don't have your best interests at heart) and sometimes they do their share of the guilt trip or the he says she says crap (esp. now that they're getting a divorce) but in my heart I know they love me and care about me (even if they have a really weird way of showing it sometimes). But you know Steve will always seem to refer to the one example or incident in which they did do something that really pissed me off, and twist it around somehow so it seems like he's the only one who's on my side.
The same thing happened when Terri and I got in a fight. Incidentally this was technically over Steve... though not so much in words but because of the wedding... Terri doesn't take orders and everyone was essentially telling her what to do even though she's been my best friend for years and I made her Maid of Honor for a reason (she is probably the one person who would know exactly how I would want everything), but she kept butting heads with everyone, and at some point we had a long talk in which I expressed my uneasiness about getting married (even then, yet somehow I convinced myself it was the usual cold feet/runaway bride thing. Rule 1, always go with your gut instinct. I tell myself this over and over and over and never fucking listen to myself). Anyways she quit the wedding party, and at first I was totally OK with it... until Steve started showing me copies of the e-mails that had gone back and forth and making her out to be a badguy, that she was supposed to be my best friend and that she abandoned me on the most important day of my life. And I believed this for 2 years! I didn't talk to her all that time, and finally I just missed her so much I decided to let bygones be bygones. But the more I look back at it now in hindsight I realize it never would have happened that way if he wasn't the proverbial devil on my shoulder.
And lastly he instilled this doubt in me even in regards to his own friends. One of the first things he ever told me is that all his friends liked his ex-wife while they were married, and that as soon as they got the divorce they told him they "didn't ever like her anyway". So right away I was keeping all these new people in my life at arms length. Not really wanting to get close to them for fear that they were going to talk amongst themselves later about me. Well since earlier this week I leaned that that story was never true at all. Or at least from the two friends of his I spoke to. One never new his ex wife (she came along after) and the second swears she "never said that" and in fact tried to maintain friendships with both of them after the divorce but it just didn't work out.
He is verbally abusive, and often plays mind games and is contradictory (one day he will yell at me if I give him driving directions, another day he will yet at me if I don't). He has also at least once been physically abusive, but not to me, to our daughter Meaghan. She wouldn't pick up her toys so he grabbed her by the hair, and in the process pulled a huge chink of it out of her head.
He also threatened physical violence on at least one other occasion to my mother. I got in a fight with her down ..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />Nantucket (surprise because of something he did) and because she likes confrontation about as much as I do, she decided to remove herself from the situation and come back at a later time when things had settled down. So she grabbed her keys and hurried off to the Jeep to take a drive, he came after her and told her if she didn't get out of the car and settle this like an adult he would pull her out himself. Since that time my mother begrudgingly puts up with him, but prefers to not be around him at all whenever possible (don't say I blame her).
And if all of that wasn't enough, he has had two affairs in the last 3 years. Once when I was pregnant and again more recently (dating back to at least September as far as I can figure, as that is when I started writing the first Live Journal posts that I suspected such). And on top of that a newer realization from an unbiased party (or if biased more towards Steve since she has known him a lot longer than she has known me) that he had two affairs (that she knows of) on his ex wife as well. And that this pattern of abusive behavior towards women has been going on the entire time (at least the last 18-20 years). She even went so far as to apologize for not having told this to me sooner (I think she only even begrudgingly told me know because I straight out asked her to), but that she didn't think I would believe her. She's probably right... I mean I saw it even then enough to warrant the conversation with Terri I previously mentioned, but for whatever reason at the time I convinced myself otherwise... that I was just having jitteres, or that the factthat I had abusive realtionships before meant I was doing a sort of transference thing and that that wasn't fair to Steve, or any other number of reasonst ahat I cose not to believe it. Man, why didn't I believe it? My life would be so much better/different if I had just listened to myself. and to others...
As far as what I want to do? I don't know, of course I should be packing my shit and running for the hills... yet I can't. I keep telling myself it's not because of fear... but I wonder if that's all true. I think in the back of my mind, I could totally picture him being angry enough about me trying to leave him that he might very well come after me and do me harm... as much as I don't want to admit that. On top of that there's that part of me that told myself that once I got married that I would never get a divorce. I wasn't going to be that person, one of the statistics. That when I got married it was going to be happily ever after, like the books tell you it should be, and that any problems we would work through together. But how do you work them through? How, when one of the people involved can't even admit that anything they have done was in the wrong or that they're hurting you. Hurting doesn't have to be physical... mentally I'm a freaking mess right now. A lot of days I just wish my life would be over. If it wasn't for my daughter who is the only person who even keeps me strong... I don't know where I'd be right now. Probably dead (suicide) or in jail (because some days the urge to slit his goddamned throat is just so strong, it's almost ludicrous).
I'm sure many if not all of you are shocked to hear me say that, as I am not a violent person. I mean I can laugh at it (in movies) but it's certainly not something I think I am predisposed to, at all. But sometimes you can only take so much... before you break... and I, my friends, amin serious danger of breaking
In addendum: I think the hardest part about the cheating is that I could understand it if it were about love. For example, if Steve had married me thinking I was his true love, and then met someone that just totally blew him away on some level and that he just couldn't help himself, then I would be okay with that. it would still hurt, sure, but you know if he were just honest with me and said, hey you know when we got together I thought you were the one, and it turns out you're not.. What would I do? I couldn't deny someone their chance at happiness... I wouldn't want someone to do it to me. And in a perfect world, I suppose no one person would lose that feeling for the other, because when two people are truly happy there's really no need to look elsewhere (at least this was where I was at two years ago.. there wasn't anyone else in the world.. though now that I am unhappy yeah all of a sudden there are other fish in the sea so to speak).
But if it's just about sex, then I guess I'll have to admit that I don't get it. And maybe I am just not wired that way... but I don't normally find myself saying I love one person and wanting to (and certainly not actually having) sex with another person. Yes, I can find myself not wanting sex at all, from anyone... when I am extremely depressed or something, but the other scenario, no. And yeah I get it, not everyone is going to have the same values or opinions as me, but I mean what's the deal? If you want a lifestyle in which you can screw a number of people and no one is going to care, then for gods sake become a polygamist or something, at least that way there's honesty involved, and everyone knows where they stand in the situation and no one's feelings are (too) hurt when something goes down because hey that's what everyone agreed to in the first place. But for god's sake do not promise under God, Buddha, Jehovah, Yahweh, Krishnu or otherwise that you are going to love honor cherish and be faithful to someone if you're fucking not! I don't think it's asking a whole lot... no wonder this world is going to hell in a hand basket!!!
Oh yeah, I almost forgot.. the whole point originally before I started ranting was to give you people (those who don't already have it) some contact info.
IM me at : ishtarandromeda (AIM)
or call me at: 781-248-6685
Between the hours of 8AM-4PM only (for reasons that should be obvious above). I cannot talk when my husband is here, he reads my IMs and interrupts me if I am on the phone... so it just doesn't work out

So as this weekend was extraordinarily nice... adventures were afoot (OK maybe not so much adventures as driving around in the car aimlessly).
The first of these events happened Saturday as soon as we got on the highway. I've spent the last two days trying to find any indication that this event actually transpired within the news. I'm not normally one to stop and gawk at traffic accidents, but it was kind of hard to miss THIS one. Basically both sides of I-93 were being moved along by State troopes. A Mass Highway van on the opposite side of the road (southbound) and a flatbed on our side seemed to be the only vehicles we could see, so at first we assumed maybe they were just finishing up the cleaning and had called the flatbed in for no reason (the vehicle in question was able to drive away?). But soon my keen eagle eyes detected that next to one of the lightposts that stick out of the concrete barrier that separates the two halves of the highway was what appeared to be a motorcycle tire, and only a motorcycle tire, until we realized that in front of the fladbed, WAS THE OTHER FREAKIN' HALF (yes half) of the motorcycle in question, what was once a silver rice rocket type bike. I still saw no other cars, and can only assume at what Mass Highway was possibly cleaning up on the other side of the road (that had the highway backed up all the way to Andover). What I think happened here is some yahoo on a bike was speeding, and tried to pass in the fast lane on the left hand side. Our highways aren't entirely clean yet from the winter.. so my best guess is patch of sand and the laws of physics ensue. The bike is shot out from underneath rider, hits lightpost and is split in half, and rider becomes bloody stain on highway, but this is of course an educated guess as I didn't exactly see anything. Further investigation, FINALLY, finds this article on the subject. Please read this section of the blog as the cautionary tale for which it is intended, no I am not being callous about the death or a morbid traffic accident stalker, there have also been several other tragic vehicle accidents in the past two weeks or so that I am aware of (resulting in one or multiple deaths). I realize it is spring and people want to get out there and do stuff but please do it carefully, lest you not see another spring. That is all!
Now this does sound mobid after what I just told you, but we were on our way to get barbeque (I hand a hankering for ribs).. but as you recall since I didn't actually see anything messy, yes I was still hungry after all that. So we tried this new place, which is essentially a fast-food rib joint called Tennesee's BBQ on Rt. 114 in Danvers/Peabody. It was allright, I guess, as well as you'd expect fast food BBQ to be I guess, but I kind of kicked myself for not just sticking to the usual routine and going to one of my regulars (Friday's because while the ribs are not meaty at all I am addicted to that danged Jack Daniels sauce of thiers, or Texas Roadhouse: sauce is ok but the ribs are super meaty). On the plus side, in reference to a conversation Terri and I had on her blog, they were in fact playing Blues (and the good kind) as every place that calls themselves a BBQ joint ought to (dagnabit). As a random aside, man I wish they'd hurry up and rebuild the House of Blues already (yes they are going to, but it's going to be on Landsdowne Street instead of Cambridge).
Lastly we took a little side jaunt through Rockport (couldn't find parking, should have taken the Outlander instead of the Durango) and then along the coast into Gloucester. We didn't get as far as Hammond Castle (too bad haven't been there for ages and ages) and waxed remincient about my PADI SCUBA certification final (which was taken in the waters in front of the castle, but which I failed due to not finishing {I got seasick.. for the first time ever.. what crap luck!}). Made a mental plan with myself to visit New England castles for no reason (Hammond,Winnikinni in Haverhill, and Searles Castle in Methuen immediately popped into mind, sounds liek a photo op waiting to happen). And then saw the weirdest building ever, briefly as we sped by. It was painted with that kind of dark brown/black paint which is usually reserved for historical houses in Salem, MA. It has this fence outside that was covered in either pro or anti Bush stickers (we went by too fast to tell) and had a really odd symbol carved into the front of the house (almost like an upside down Aries symbol with letters around it.. I specifically want to say I saw the letter A but missed the others). Anyone have any clue WTF that is all about? Because now I am totally curious but you know afraid if I go back there and poke around some strange cult is going to abduct me or something.

Part two of a series (if you missed part one, just scoll back a few posts on the blog). I should also mention, since I forgot, the links are to lyrics pages (which also usually feature the music videos when available) for reference purposes.
Black Eyed by Placebo - Placebo is a band I discovered in part through one of my alltime favorite films, Velvet Goldmine. I just really dig a lot of thier lyrics (despire references to heavy drug use) but find that even these references are easily transferred (for example in the song "My Sweet Prince" it's essentially a love song to heroin, but could be transferred to mean a general obsession/addiction [as with a person]). I also am really in love with Brian Molko's voice (and perhaps even Brian Molko himself because in general I have a thing for guys with dark hair and blue eyes... plus he's completely androgenous which is another kind of strange interest I have [I blame 80's new wave music!]). Black Eyed's lyrics touch very closely upon my own chilhood, as my mother and biological father divorced when I was quite young (2?) {so the "broken home" lyric} and I spent the first 5 or 6 years being taken care of by my bi-polar grandmother, while my mom worked {so sort of the "borderline schizo" lyric} meanwhile the "never faithful, and never one to trust" and "loyal to my own pleasure-zone" lines speak to... well you know I'm not going on beating a dead horse (you will find a lot of songs I like have strong infidelity themes).
Coin-Operated Boy by Dresden Dolls - Oh I KNOW, it's thier popular song! But I just like the whole toy piano type music, besides referring to above (my taste in men) sometimes a coin-operated boy doesn't always sound like such a bad idea (weirdly though it's a bit of a crap film, the image of Jude Law as "Gigolo Joe" from "A.I." always pops into my head for some reason).
The Light by Love & Rockets - Yeah, you can always tell who my favorite bands are/were as they have mulitple entries. Mostly it's about the last verse. Although as a side note, it also has a pretty cool video, which my friend from High School, Alesa Smith's church once featured in a lecture they had regarding satanic imagery in music videos ( I guess because of drummer Kevin Haskins playing tabla in the circle of candles, the pointy hornlike poker thing at the beginning, and all the smoke?). Anyways the last verse: I'll give you my armour/I'll give you my glory/I'll give you what's truly mine/and if you want/give me, heaven/because heaven should be mine. There's just some sort of strong imagery there in which I for some reason get a strong Lancelot & Guinevere vibe. Something like a knight giving up his title and honoriffics for his lady love, something like that (in this song I interpret "heaven" as being the state of true love, if that helps you understand where the imagery is coming from there).
Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite by Eddie Izzard - While it's from a Beatles' inspired movie that wasn't necessarily my favorite, it also wasn't my least favorite either ("Across the Universe"). This is mainly due to two scenes which I really enjoyed a lot, the first being Max's draft scene (I Want You/She's So Heavy) and the second being this scene combining three things which I like a lot: Eddie Izzard, The Beatles (this is also one of my favorite songs being sideshow themed and all) , and Bread & Puppets Theater of Glover Vt. Diehard beatles fans will notice a few ad-libbed additions to the traditional lyrics, which are of course my favorite parts as they are so obviously Izzard inspired. Sure, he's not the best singer ever.. but the man knows funny. Can't find the Izzard verion of the lyrics, so the regular ones are provided, but the video is HERE.
Empathy by Pigface - The specific verion of this song (Clarified Vision Mix) comes from the album "Feels Like Heaven..." (long title "FLH.. Sounds Like Shit") and is essentially a remix album of various Pigface tunes which also happens to have my favorite versions of two other Pigface Songs I like ("Sick Asp Fuck" a melding of "Asphole" and "Fuck It Up" {my ultimate pissed off/angry song} as well as Chickasaw [No Shit Pussy Mix]). Anyways I like the song Empathy because it's very Middle Eastern inspired anyway, but this particular rendition has the foreign language bits in it (though I don't know enough of either of the Middle Eastern languages I've tried to learn to actually determine which language).
Seagull by Bad Compay - I generally kind of like Bad Company anyway, but this particular song is by far my favorite. I think in part because it's a very simple guitar melody song, but also for just the kind of odd juxtaposition in the lyrics (pastoral peaceful scenes of the seagull in flight interrupted by the abrupt and poignant line "you'll fly all around/'til somebody shoots you down" with virtually no change in the basical musical scheme, which indicates to me some sort of general treatise on the nature and cruelty of man).

Yes I am posting to the future. I was going to actually wait until Friday to write this, but since I'll probably lose my train of thought before then I figured I'd start now. I'll add to this over the next two days if I think of things that I've missed...
So, things are better here, at least in outward appearance. Steve and I have been talking a lot more, and that has been helpful, but somehow I am still uneasy in many ways. I'm sure a lot of it is to be expected, it's difficult to be lied to for the better part of three years and then just go back about your business as if everything is hunky dory.
Part of me wants to believe that he means what he says, and that he is truly sorry for what he did. I really DO want to believe that. I'm a very easy-going person who doesn't normally stay mad very long about much of anything, and I also happen to be the kind of person who pretty much falls in love with everyone I meet. As I may have mentioned before, this isn't necessarily a romantic love, but just the kind of general love and compassion you have for people that bring some sort of joy and happiness into your life even if only for a brief amount of time. I think this is part of the reason why I've been having all the weird dreams with faces from my past recently. It's my way of reminding myself that these people once (and still do even when I haven't seen them for a while) meant something to me. In fact inspired by these feelings have gotten in touch with two people in the past two weeks whom I haven't seen in ages (one about 20 years and the other about 16).
But mentioning that is important for me in explaining how difficult it would be for me to just cut Steve out of my life, even though I sometimes strongly feel that I may still be taken advantage of. There are many things which we don't see eye to eye on, at all. But there are also some things which I do really enjoy about him as well, and I try to make that the focus so that the healing process can take place, but it just seems to be two steps forward and two steps back, no matter what I do.
One thing that really makes me strongly question our relationship is the fact that Steve doesn't inspire me. In fact most of the time he has the opposite effect on me. I can't exactly explain why, I mean before we were discussing things I could give you a million reasons why, but now those reasons no longer seem valid. All I know is that sometimes when I talk to certain people I feel like I can conquer the world, like I can do anything and can't wait to get out there and try. But something about him just fills me with this self-defeatist attitude; like that I can't do anything, or want to go anywhere. And I can't figure out if it's just from having spent the last 7 years of my life this way, and now that he isn't doing it anymore I'm just so used to it I can't break out of it. Or if he's still doing it and I'm just not seeing it anymore. And yeah I know at the same time I should be able to inspire myself and not depend on anyone else to do it for me, and a lot of the time I do, until he walks in the door and then all my motivation feels sucked out of me.
And you know maybe not all of that is even Steve's fault. I spent the better part of two years moping around my condo in ..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />Boston after Gates and I broke up. I lost contact with a lot of people I cared about very dearly that were friends of his, and it's not really like we became non-friends, it's just you know you lose touch because you don't want to go to say a party where that person might show up, because you know it's just going to bring you heartache or whatever, so you just see them less and less and grow apart. But even after that I made an effort to walk the parks of Commonwealth Avenue and also the Public Gardens at least once a day, even if it was all alone by myself and sometimes at night (one of my weird voyeuristic habits is looking into the windows of the old brownstones and seeing how people decorate their houses). And I started making the 30-45 minute drive to hang out with Terri and we ended up having a lot of our best times ever during that period, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself. So I know it can be done.
And of course there's that part of me that feels like it's somehow my fault or something I did. And of course that's got to be at least partially true, because I strongly believe in relationships that it takes both people to make it either work or fail. But I find myself falling into a trap of sorts, where I'm behaving a certain way, and I question if I'm behaving that way simply because it's the way in which I am behaving or if it is somehow influenced because it's the way I think I should act. For example am I talking more with Steve because I really want to be talking more to Steve or is it because its what I think I SHOULD do, or that it's what he wants, and if by doing it am somehow making myself the villain? Am I admitting somehow that it's my fault that he cheated on me simply because I wasn't giving him the attention he wanted... and that somehow by paying attention to him now I am trying to circumvent a situation in which he would do it again? And why can't I just believe that if he says he's sorry he means that he is, and why do I always have to think there's an ulterior motive to everything? And why do I so strongly believe that really all I am doing is biding my time waiting for the other shoe to drop (in other words I am convinced that some time in the future things are going to go right back to how they always were and all I would have done is waste more of my precious time on a lie). I guess the simple answer goes back to the SMF (Steve Mind Fuck). Or to use the terms of a "Weird AL" Yankovic song "Everything You Know Is Wrong". In other words when you have gone as many years as I have not knowing what's real and what's in your mind, everything just gets turned all topsy turvy. I no longer am able to distinguish what part of me sees what is truly right in front of my eyes and how much of it is just me going around and around in psychological circles. I want to believe, but everything I've learned over the past 7 years tells me not to, and it's just not so easy to snap my fingers and change it, and maybe there's a little resistance there too because believing puts me in the position to be the victim again and I don't like being the victim and I don't like being played for a fool or an imbecile.
So what to do? Is there a solution? I don't know...
And why is it my duty to pander? I'm not trying to be rude here, but I think most people who know me know I would do whatever it is I that I have in my power to give to make them feel loved and appreciated, without really even trying too hard. So why is it with Steve, sometimes I feel like I have a second child? Why does he make me feel like what I have isn't enough? For example, this happened only last night, and though it seems trivial is a very good example of what I mean. I have a huge stack of bills on my desk for the theatre. Those of you who know, know that this theatre is Steve's dream not mine. Sure I enjoy seeing flicks for free (when we can get up there) and the occasional time when I get to dress in fun outfits (for example this past weekend in early 1900's garb for "Titanic"). But all in all I would rather be home instead of spending my weekends in the middle of nowhere, possibly hanging out with friends or getting some chores done or crafting, or whatever (in fact not this past weekend but the one before it because we wet to the theatre I missed both a day at the MFA with Terri & Bob as well as Jason B.'s "Angeline" show). Anyways the point is I have this huge stack of work to do for something I don't even really enjoy that much. Not only that I hate doing bills and paperwork (even though it does have to get done) because that's exactly the type of job I left behind when I had Meaghan that was driving me absolutely batty (I want to be creating things.. not filing paper). And to make things more complicated, anyone who's ever had a kid probably will tell you having a 2 1/2 year old, not the easiest thing ever. You have to constantly watch them and play with them and make sure they're not getting into mischief. There's very little time to really sit in front of the computer and concentrate on real work (esp. finances which aren't something you can mess up). In fact the only way I even get to post blogs and write e-mails is because I start before she wakes up and then finish them later while she is at nap. So basically what I'm getting at (the long way round) is it's helpful if Steve is home so he can entertain her while I try to do any sorts of chores, inc. paperwork, but also laundry, dishes, general housework etc. So last night I was trying to do the paperwork and he was playing with Meaghan and I got a lot of stuff done but still have at least another days work still ahead of me, and we're finishing up eating (which I am balancing my dinner precariously on the wobbly stack of paperwork) and he wants to know how much more I have left. I respond that I'm not even close and he implies that he asked because he is "bored". What this means is he's tired of watching me do the paperwork for his theatre and wants me to stop so that I can play Everquest 2 with him. Now certainly you don't ever have to like twist my arm to get me to play games, but it was something about the way he suggested "can't you do the rest tomorrow"? I don't know why but it's just that sort of okay not only does Meaghan require me for her personal entertainment during the day but then my husband, a grown man who can by all means entertain himself so you know I can do bills and keep us out of say bankruptcy, also demands that I entertain him. And it isn't just a case of last night, it's all the time, like if has watching TV he wants me to sit and watch it with him (even if I don't like the programme) and on the occasions where I put my foot down and actually behave like a responsible adult and do the things I need to do, he only rarely stops what has doing and pitches in. The pitching in has been a bit better recently since the big blowup, but still its just... i dunno aggravating to be constantly expected to be supermom/wife all the time and have only about 3 hours a day I can really call my own which I spend writing to my friends. And obviously this would all be true if I were a single mom, but I think it's that idea that there IS someone there that can help and instead they hinder, as opposed to just dealing with it because you don't have an alternative. You know?
I guess to put it in simple terms, I'm not a diva, I'm not someone who expects to be treated like a queen, by my husband/boyfriends whatever (maybe I ought to start, perhaps that's part of the problem?!). But I also don't expect to be treated solely as a barefoot and pregnant housewife, a sex slave, a secretary, etc. I don't feel like I'm asking a whole lot. I enjoy stimulating conversations, the exchange of ideas, someone who I can talk to about the very deepest parts of me, and right now I feel like that voice is not being heard, or that anyone wants to hear it.
I don't know I already have gone on and on and there was still more... maybe I'll add more tomorrow.
[ETA] I've not got a lot to add since the other day. I had so many thoughts whirling in my head and for some reason now that I try to put it all down it's just not working out. I don't know, with any luck maybe I'm just tired of complaining and it's easier for me to concentrate on my more productive writing (like the dream journals/inspirational songs series) or maybe it's the doggoned astrological double Grand Trine (I'll post about it in it's own post in a few minutes just let me tie this one up first).
I guess a couple of things that still really bother me (which i kind of touched on above) is that I feel like I'm not healing from this process. I feel like Steve is truly working to make it up to me, be a better person (but belive me he still slips up, and I am trying to be understanding that just like I can't change overnight neither can he), but part of the issue before was that all my worrying about his mindfuckery (that was fun to say) was making me a prisoner, and now all my worrying about how to not get him back in the habit of mindfuckery is STILL making me a prisoner, so really I feel like though things have changed, really not that much has changed. This ultimately worries me because as you will learn (esp. as I write the inspirational songs journals; which touch a lot on the extremely personal and strong emotions which music brings out of me) I am a very sensitive person and even a hopeless romantic. I am someone who, though stongly independent at times, have been on a perpetual lifelong journey to find and share my innermost thoughts, feelings etc. with someone whom I share a very strong psychic bond of spiritual connection with, a soulmate as it were (though I do share some level of soulmatery {yes I like to make up words!} with most everyone I call "friend", I've always felt very strongly that there was perhaps one or at best a handful of people in the world that really are the kind of people that can set the very fabric of your soul on fire... so to speak).
I may or may not have explained this (I get a bit convoluted sometimes between what I've written people in e-mails and what I've written here {esp. before I purged the whole thing} and what I keep privately at LiveJournal .. so forgive me if I reiterate) but there was a point in my life in which I actively persued this ideal (soul mate/ideal.. whatver you want to call it) and was in no way willing to settle down with anyone else for long periods of time otherwise (it seems a bit harsh, but I kind of feel like if the person you're with doesn't occupy your thoughts for at least a good portion of the day {but you know not in a crippling way in which you can't accomplish anything; because that's just obsession and isn't really healthy} then something probably isn't really working. Essentially when it's right, every day should feel much like the first two months).
I can pinpoint when I gave up on this idea, it ws Fall of 1999, after Gates & I separated. No he wasn't my soulmate, though I cared about him greatly. I was kind of doing that retrospective thing where you realize that some people who meant a great deal to me always seemed to remain friends, and those who I took as paramours always started off strangers.. and that somewhere within that equation never the twain met.
In otherwords, I once someone became a dear friend I would fear to date them because if something went wrong (and my experience up until then, and even now is that inevitably it will) then you had that possibility of loosing them forever, and as someone who cherishes my friendships above all else this was just an unacceptable compromise.
On the flip-side of this coin, the people I would date would usually be strangers (or at least casual acqaintances whom I only had limited knowledge about) and we would eventually develop some sort of friendship from having spent time together, but that for whatever reason it was never as stong of a bond as with my friends. And to this day I can't figure out if this is based on the same fear, of getting too close and being afraid of the loss, or if it's just a poor choice on my part in the types of people I choose as dating material, but ithas always been a case of what I chose not really living up to my expectation. And my Expectation? Someone who I could both share with as deeply as I do with my closest friends (intellectually & spirtually) and who also fuels me in passionate ways (attraction & sexuality). And of course as long as I was/am in constant fear of the big "what-if" this is not going to happen. I need to stop worrying about what may be, and concentrate on what is and enjoy it while I have it.
Right now, I don't. So bank to the same old conundrum, do I continue hanging out hoping things will get better, or do I move on and get back to work on the "perpetual search"? Damn, I wish I knew the answer...
Some Side Points in this Journey:
* I am still having a difficult time justifying the lying. Sure Steve finally admitted what I've known these three long years, but only after things got so bad I could no longer function and wouldn't/couldn't move. I had given him so many opportunities (as I mentioned up and to including a week before, and also even the every night it happened three years ago, with quite a few times in between) to just tell me about it, and he admitted (once he admitted it) that he didn't tell me because he was afraid I would react in the very way that I did (well duh!), but I guess I will always wonder how much longer the lie would have gone on had I not gotten so bad. A few more months, years, forever? How can I live with him always wondering what else he is hiding and for how long he will hide it from me (though it's extremely hard to pull much over on my for long periods of time, because while I am a bit oblivious and have a crap memory about certain things, with the things that matter to me I'm like bloody Hercule Poirot and shit).
* Ultimate Insults: These all have to do with Sarah (the other woman). The first is worse in my book than the second, but the second involves a small measure of TMI (you've been warned).
1) Sarah bought a very generous gift for Meaghan, when she was born... too generous IMHO for soemone who was just supposed to be a co-worker (esp. as she hadn't given a gift for our wedding, which is where the more generous co-worker gifts came into play). I remember thinking it was very strange, esp. as I had her in my suspicions as the one he cheated on me with, but I tried to let it go. But of course it came round to the part when I had to write thank you notes to everyone, and I was having such a hard time with Sarah's.. for obvious reasons. I mean what do I write " Dear Sarah, thank you so much for the x, x & x you gave. Also thanks for fucking my husband. Love, me". But i mean that's prettymuch what was going through my head and Steve just fucking sat there and watched me struggle with it, even after I had expressly said that THIS was WHY I was having the problem with writing it. And he just kind of pishaw-ed me and told me once again how foolish I was being as he "hadn't had an affair" etc. So yeah he put me through that.. and I'm still bloody pissed about it, in fact moreso now that I know that he knew how hard it was for me and made me do it anyways. Part of me says he could have done that one himself... but then again I think it was one of those if he had I would have been more suspicious since he hadn't helped me on any of the other notes sort of thing.
2) I am a bit of an obsessive personality type. When I want to learn about things, I will gather as much information as possible about a subject until I'm satisfied that I'm pretty well versed on a particular item of interest. So it is probably with some vanity that I think that when I try to be, I am probably a decent (if not better than some) lover (though I do admit to sometimes being lazy and letting the guy do a lot of the work... esp. if it's not someone I'm that passionate about to begin with). I hav had at least two people tell me even several years later (because I have at least two perpetual stalkers that somehow keep trying to get back into my life) that they;ve not been able to find someone who makes them feel the way that I could (yes in THAT way). So yeah sometimes I think I'm all that and a bag of chips in the bedroom (hey I'm not usually this egotisical, you gotta let me have some fun!). And of course I'm not without my masochistic streak (not in the bedroom.. ok maybe sometimes there too depends on the person but hey TMI) so of course I just had to ask if She was worth it. A simple yes or no would have sufficed, of course, ok maybe just a No for ego purposes I don't think I really wanted to hear a yes. But of course Steve made it a point to go into enough detail (thank god not too much) to let me know that not only was she not worth it but that he didn't even "get off". OK well granted I asked, but really more information than I needed thanks! I mean I don't even know how to take that at all. So basically you reisked your entire realtionship for one night with some girl and you didn't even make it worth your time?! What the hell is that all about (oh yeah and he totally tried to tell me it was the guilt.. but I'm sorry thjat's a total SMF IMHO)?!
O.K. So I got all that of my chest and I think that's the brunt of it. GOtta now forward this thing to Chris M. (because he can't be buggered to get a MySpace, LOL!) and then I promise I will post the Grand Trines thing.

Yeah assuming I can ever grow a plant successfully without killing it, I am totally going to put googly eyes on all of them from now on! Thanks a lot Jay! ;-)
And of course this is after years of watching SNL and hoping it would ever be funny again, only to finally give up!
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/play.shtml?mea=237389

I just removed my blog subscriptions, since now that they added "Friend Subscriptions" it's pretty much like telling me the same ting twice. Esp. since they are looking into adding the abilty to be able to view who is subscribed to you,you will all be able to see that I'm reading again soon (as soon as they add it). I think the "Blog Subscriptions" is more or less becoming antiquated (in fact the only time it's useful at all is on MySpace Mobile, and even that hasn't been working out for me as some glitch has caused me to permenantely be notified there are "new blog posts" when there are not). So yeah I'm still here lurking and reading, you just won't see me on your "subscribers" list

Kids, take my advice here.. if anyone ever talks to you the way the Pink and/or Purple unicorns talk to Charlie.. don't go with them!
Obviously they've taken one too many trips to the Magic Candy Mountain for smack... GEEZ!http://youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus

So Metlman sent this to me via StumbleUpon, but apparently it was going round MySpace as well:
http://movies.ign.com/dor/articles/863515/legend-of-zelda-movie-trailer/videos/legendofzelda_filmtrailer_040108.html
Yeah it's cheese in parts, Link should have been blonder/hotter and younger.. but the effects (esp. on the monsters) really make me want to see a real "Zelda" film someday make it to the big screen, esp. if it's based on the Ocarina of Time storyline (as this trailer indicates).
Particular points I enjoyed, the fact that both Impa and Malon are featured in the trailer.
Dissapointment: no Sheik! and thier Ganon was ridiculous looking
Speaking of disappointments regarding Sheik *SPIOLER ALERT* , for those that haven't already heard this from me a million times... man was I bummed when he/she turned out to be freaking ZELDA! Wow, what a letdown. I mean not that you can actually make out with video game dudes anyway, but hey one can imagine. I mean that was the worst transgenered confusion since "The Crying Game"!
In other news, though this Zelda movie is a hoax.. what is not a hoax is the upcoming Prince of Persia (which with any luck if it's good will become a franchise).
What I want to know is who's in the cast. I have heard rumors of both Orlando Bloom and Zac Effron being considered for the role of the prince, but I have my own ideas on who I would like to see.
My choices would be any of the following to play THE PRINCE:
Jian Ghomeshi (he would have to grow his hair out a bit)
Amin Nazemzadeh (Dominic Rains) {he might be a bit too tall, but he can certainly pull off the snappy one-liner with no problem}
*Beefcake Warning* Wissam Hanna (the hair and makeup in this picuture is atrocious, but hey I could look at the rest of him for two and a half hours with no problems)
*Beefcake Warning* Kayvon Zand (this would be the best choice as he has that whole lighter skin blue eyes thing going, plus he's punk enough to pull of the whole Dark Prince thing. Now if only he didn't seem like an egomanic...)
As far as FARAH:
My Top Pick, actress Shriya Saran {try to ignore the lame name of the video} as she both looks a LOT like Farah (IMHO) and has recently taken martial arts for the film "Kandasamy". Plus she's got that kind of sexy but also cute and spunky thing all going on (though as PoP is a Disney film, I imagine the sexual tension is going to be downplayed a bit).
Asuuming it becomes a franchise I would also like to nominate Natacha Atlas for the role of Kaileena. Yeah she's probably a bit too old, but I love Natacha Atlas and with the right hair and makeup I think it'd work.

O.K. this is going to sound conceited... but once upon a time I was no stranger to the catcalls of men...
I usually without much trouble could get the guy I was interested in, when I set my mind to it.
In fact on two separate occasions I was approached to do pornographic films; once in Toronto and once in good ole Boston. I still don't know if this was some really odd pickup line or if there was indeed actual filming involved, as I politely said "No, thank you" (like you do, as if being asked to film porn is the equivalent of someone asking you to sample the Orange Chicken in front of the Panda Express at the mall).
I even in fact have several humorous anecdotes regarding the ill-thought out methods of wooing some men will resort to (ask me sometime about being woken up in Sin City looking up the barrel of a shotgun to my ex-roommates drunken and naked suitor of the evening.. that one's always a crowd pleaser.. um not).
But alas, it has been a while since I've felt the burning of a mans stare as he tries to inconspicuously ogle me from the opposite corner of the room. These days it seems like the only man alive that's even remotely interested is my dear husband (and as we all learned a week and a half ago boys and girls, even that is apparently up for grabs).
So it was with much shock and amusement when today when driving back home from dropping Meaghan off at school I see this movement out the side of a van window in the next lane. At first I thought maybe the fellows in question needed directions or something... but no they were quite certainly making rude gestures. I kind of gave the passenger's side guy the raised eyebrow and went back to concentrating on the road... but as much as I hate to admit it; it did indeed feel good to know that one has still got it... even if it is from a couple of idiotic twats.